Saturday, December 5, 2009

Urine, Grunt tubes, and Sparkle-deer-pires, oh my!

The holiday season is upon us--Fattening food, presents, twinkling lights, football, sneaking into your sister's bathroom and taking a swig of some kind of sketchy-looking alcohol you found underneath her kitchen cabinet in a desperate effort to keep yourself from stabbing various members of your extended family with your pie fork. Who doesn't love the most wonderful time of the year?!

Deer, that's who. (And also department store Santas and my chihuahua). Because here in the south, holiday season = lure cute adorable bambis to your tree with corn then blow their brains out season.

Okay, so that's an exaggeration. They don't blow their brains out; they shoot them through the heart/lungs/shoulder. Otherwise it'd be awfully hard to mount those antlers up on the wall.

Deer hunters are VERY serious about their sport and will often go to extreme measures to get their "kill shot." Luckily, there are roughly one billion gazillion websites where they can go for advice and tips. See below:


A good scent strategy has 3 parts: Eliminate as much human odor as possible, cover up whatever is left and then use attractant scents to bring bucks closer or position them properly for the shot.

"Consider scents part of your overall game plan. You may go all season without seeing any evidence of their effectiveness but when you catch the right buck at the right time with the right scent--you will be rewarded for your efforts."

Here are a sampling of the available products:

Stacey: Because you wouldn't want to use less than 100% pure deer urine. Just the thought of diluting my deer urine with say--water or something equally nasty--makes me want to hurl.

Julie: I want to know who does the quality control testing for this. How do we know it's 100% pure deer urine? More importantly--how, exactly, does one obtain deer urine? I can't imagine that they're lining up to pee in a cup voluntarily.

Stacey: I think it might involve sneak-attacks, urine-sucking tubes, and maybe some ninjas. Not being a woman of the woods, I can't say, but...yeah...

Stacey: This is really the name of this stuff: C'Mere Deer. You just can't say that shizz without a hillbilly twang.

Julie: Love it!! If I were so inclined to douse myself in animal pee this is definitely the brand of pee I would choose. Then I would wander out in the woods calling "C'mere deery, deery, deery!" and they would all come running across the meadow with a cadre of woodland friends and we would sing and frolick and then maybe later they would make me a dress.

Stacey: And from the people at C'Mere Deer, we have Buck Juice. I don't even want to know what that's made of. *shudder, throws up a little bit*

Julie: . . . eeeeeewwwww. I feel vaguely dirty now. I'm disappointed in you C'Mere Deer people. I thought you were different. Why does everything have to be about sex? (How many guys do you think have taken a swig of this on a drunken bet at deer camp?)

Stacey: At least one, which is one too many.

"Big bucks don't get big and old by being dumb."
Decoys should be set up well within a bowhunter's effective killing zone

Stacey: I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want to eat the deer that fell for this one. That's one dumb deer. (I fear contracting further dumbness through the food I ingest.)

Julie: That's right--"You are what you eat," after all. Is that really supposed to be a deer? Its head kind of reminds me of a fox. And it maybe needs to consider signing up for Jenny Craig because it's got a bit of a belly on it. I've never seen a deer with a beer gut. Although maybe it's a pregnant decoy? Awww, that would be so cute--maybe in a few weeks it will give birth to cute little baby cardboard decoys.

Stacey: Not all bucks like skinny-ass deer, Julie. Some of them like junk in the trunk. (Would that be her trunk...or her undercarriage...or...what?) I fail deer anatomy.

Stacey: This is better, I'd eat a deer who got shot trying to come sniff around this one.

Julie: Definitely better. I'd never make it as a hunter though because my first thought was "he'd look so cute with a red and green Christmas bow and maybe some bells on his antlers."

Stacey: Oooo!! It's the sparkling deer-pire of the decoy world. Female deer everywhere would come running to save him screaming "No, sparkle-deer-pire, don't step into the liiii-eeettte!!"

Julie: Um, I'm scared. Because I don't think that's a decoy. I'm pretty sure it's a statue. Like, an art statue. It's "Deer decor." (Hahaha, I crack myself up.) Oh, man, Stacey--when you move to CA, I'm SO buying you this as a housewarming gift. That way you'll never forget your roots. Because the giant running deer in your living room won't let you.

Stacey: Sadly, in California I won't have the money to pay for an apartment large enough to fit my entire family, let alone any generous Deer Decor gifts. Though I appreciate the offer!

Deer Calls

Stacey: This is called a "grunt tube". I kid you not. For real. That's what it's called. You couldn't pay me to put my mouth to that.

Julie: I think that came off my car. OMG--my car is secretly a deer hunter! That explains all those shell casings on the floorboard! And why all deer within a hundred mile radius flock to whatever highway I happen to be driving on and dash across it right in front of me, so close that their fur brushes across the front grill, forcing me to slam on my brakes which causes me to lose control of the steering weel and careen wildly toward the giant ditch on the right side so I try to turn back except I overcorrect and hurtle toward the yellow line while my daughter screams and all the random crap I've been meaning to take out of the car for the past year ricochets around the interior and I realize we're going to die and the entire time I'm hearing my dad's voice in my head intoning, "Never, ever swerve for an animal--better that you run over it than lose control of the vehicle and get yourself killed."

(Note to my car: My other car took out a full-grown buck at 60 mph AND a white dog that was inexplicably standing on the interstate in the middle of the night in Little Rock, but so far all you've managed is a series of terrifying near-death experiences. I'm just saying.)

And so concludes our brief foray into the magical, urine-scented world of deer hunting. If any of our readers happen to be avid hunters who don't appreciate us poking fun at your sport, all I have to say is--STACEY DID IT!!!

Yeah, right now she's really writing this, just pretending to be me. I swear. I don't know how she figured out my password. I love deer hunting! I think it's the greatest thing ever! Please don't shoot me! Or her!

Happy Hunting

Stacey and Julie (not really)
Stacey: I have no problems with poking fun at anyone's sport. Next week, giggles with curling.

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