Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Book review

Shhhh, don't tell Stacey--it's me, Julie, hijacking the blog. It's probably not nice to highjack the blog from your critique partner, but I can't help it. I MUST express my fangirl love for Stacey's latest book, My So-Called Death because it's SO FREAKING HILARIOUS.

I know, I know. You probably think I'm just saying that because she's the zombie to my tiara, but I'm not!! Really. I'm not that nice. Plus, I had an independent expert review the book and she agrees with me.

Transcript of text messages between me and independent expert:

Me: What up?

Expert: Y r u texting me?

Me: I can't text my own daughter?

Expert: No

Me: What r u doing?

Expert: Mommy stop trying to act cool

Me: Abigail texts u

Expert: Abigail is my age 11
Expert: Plus u r sitting on couch next 2 me
Expert: And u type slow

Me: did u like Stacey's book?

Expert: Duh, it has dead people in it

Me: U like it bc there r dead people?

Expert: the dead people r funny. like sarcastic and stuff.
Expert: it only took me 1 day 2 finish

Me: Do u want to write a review of it for our blog?

Expert: use 4 not for

Me: I'll think about it

Expert: Did u know daddy can't make smiley face?

Me: daddy is text challenged.

Me: So?? Do u want 2 write review?

Expert: like a book report?

Me: sort of, not really. u just tell what u like about it and y.

Expert: how is that not like book report?

Me: um ... well, u dont have to draw a picture

Expert: no thanks
Expert: but tell stacey she writes really good dead people

Me: great. she'll b thrilled i'm sure

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oscars Fashion: Nude is the new nude

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards. We tuned in. We saw dresses. Now we snark on dresses.

Charlize Theron

Julie: I think we're all looking at the same thing here . . .
that bracelet is fabulous. You hardly notice her lilac rose boobs at all.

Stacey: Rose boobs? What? What are you.... Oh, yeah, I see it now. You're totally right. No, it's not that noticeable, not like a rose plant is feeling her up from behind at all. At all.

Meryl Streep

Julie: I adore Meryl Streep, but Sharon Stone really had it right when she said she frequently looks "like an unmade bed." BUT I thought she looked great here.

Stacey: I adore the Streep too. I love her attitude. It's the perfect mix of genuine sweetness and I-don't-give-a-crap-what-you-think. Perfect. And I like this dress too. Very classy, sexy, yet age appropriate.

Sigourney Weaver

Julie: Sigourney Weaver scares me. Always. I don't think I ever recovered from seeing Alien. Or maybe it was being forced to sit through 2 excruciating hours of Gorillas in the Mist during 8th grade history. Or maybe it's because her name is "Sigourney." I can't critique her dress. Every time I look at her all I see is that Alien slobbering everywhere.

Stacey: She doesn't scare me at all. I love her, but I was going to say this look was very blood-soaked toga. It got me in the mood to make a virgin sacrifice or something. Not that I make virgin sacrifices on a regular basis....or ever...but....yeah....

Kate Winslet

Julie: This dress is very silver and . . . um, silver. She looks nice, but I still haven't forgiven her for enticing me to go see The Reader, which made me feel like a total pervert because she's naked with, like, a 16 year old boy. And he's naked too. Like, really naked. And I didn't need to see that Kate Winslet. Next time you want to get naked with a boy who is way too young for both of us, call Taylor Lautner, okay?

Stacey: I missed that movie. The previews looked depressing and I avoid depressing movies, they mess with my delicate serotonin levels or something. But I was troubled by this dress. She looks like a statue, or a robot. I was worried this might be the Kate Winslet clone, not the actual article.

Sandra Bullock

Julie: This is the best I have ever seen Sandra Bullock look. On E! they were saying that the top looks like an ice skating costume, which is probably why I like it, lol. I have very blingy taste.

Except this pic doesn't really capture the full effect of the sparkle. It looked way more gold and sparkly on TV. And omg, as I'm typing this Tyra Banks is previewing the upcoming guests for her talk show--"women with two vaginas." Seriously, Tyra?? Does America really need to know this stuff?

Stacey: *struggles to recover from random vagina commentary, slurps some more coffee, takes a deep breath...slurps more coffee*

Yes, Bullock was looking fabulous. I liked the sparkle too. I don't believe there is such a thing as too much sparkle on a dressy night. Heck, she could have taken it a step further, added a tiara to the mix, and called herself the Queen of Awards season. Maybe knighted some people at the after party.

Demi Moore

Julie: On stage I thought she looked really good, but this pic is troublesome. Does anyone else see the multiple pairs of nude pantyhose wrapped around her torso?

Stacey: I just thought she was naked. What was with all the nude-colored dresses? I'm not down with human camouflage. I would have liked this in a slightly different color.

Anna Kendrick

Julie: Jinkies! Someone who is as pale and ghostly as me!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but the
proof is right there in a nude pink dress and blindingly white skin. I feel a kinship to her.

I don't have the heart to tell her she should have worn a color.

Stacey: More naked people! Ahhhhhh!!!

Diane Kruger

Julie: One word: hideous.

Stacey: Five words: Naked trend + dead crow = Blechk

Cameron Diaz

Julie: This pic is like Sandy's (because I'm on a nickname basis with Sandra Bullock. In my mind)--the gold and sparkliness doesn't show up. Because of my love for all things shiny, I think she looks good. Perhaps I was a magpie in another life?

Stacey: I think you were a magpie. I also like the dress--because I was a cat in my last life--but I would have liked it better in another color. She looks a little too much like a gold Barbie.

Julie: Girl whose name I forgot and am too tired to look up but I'm pretty sure she's on Big Love.
(Stacey: Amanda something, definitely on Big Love.)

Julie: This material reminds me of textured toilet paper. Or maybe it's paper towels I'm thinking of? Some kind of textured paper product.

Stacey: It's reminiscent of a polyester Holly Hobby dress my mom made me wear as a toddler. It doesn't look like it breathes. Maybe that's why she's so pale...she can't breathe! *gasp*

Kristen Stewart

Julie: A little old for her, I think, although the black goes nicely with her I-really-don't-want-to-be-here-this-sucks vibe. Or is it navy blue? Now I'm thinking it looks kind of navy blue. Shockingly, she didn't trip when she presented, although she coughed awkwardly. I feel a kinship with her too. Like when she dropped her statue-thingie at the MTV awards--that's exactly what would happen to me if I was a famous movie star. I'd drop stuff on stage and trip and just generally embarrass myself.

Stacey: Yeah, I actually love this dreass, but I sort of want to slap her arms down and tell her to stand up and be normal, but I feel her awkward pain too much. I could never handle that much scrutiny and attention--especially so young. I'd be a mass of symptoms and probably pee myself on the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez

Julie: More toilet paper! Were they afraid the bathrooms would run out or something?

Stacey: I heard the after parties are always low on TP, so you could be right. I'm NOT loving the side-bustle action either. It looks like she has a growth on one hip.

Julie: Maggie Gyllenhall (Possibly misspelled her last name but am too lazy to look that up too)
Stacey: No, I think that's right. (But I'm also too lazy to look it up this morning. I've got stuff to do, man. Like drink coffee and feed the baby cereal. Maggie would understand. She's a mom.)

Julie: I'm pretty sure I saw this dress at Cache.

Stacey: This is a nightmare, jungle-scene-at-night-in-the-80's, print, but I don't care. I have a huge girl-crush on Mags (we're on a nickname basis like you and Sandy) and I think she's a brilliant actress and totes should have won last night. So, yeah. Basically she can do no wrong. I love her in weird blue jungle print, I love her weird, cute, little, puppy-doggish face. She's awesome.

Nicole Richie

Julie: What. the. hell. She looks like Elvira.

Stacey: She does. Or a scary 1970's couch. Just looking at that fabric makes me itch.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Julie: I love her so I feel mean commenting on her hideous dress or the fact that her hair looked like she'd slept on it for about two days--did you see all the flyaways, flying around all over the place when she was on stage?

Stacey: I like her too, but yeah...not feeling that odd yellowish color and the hair was a mess. But, as the Mistress of Flyaways, I'm in no place to judge. You could spray a can of hairspray on my hair and the whispies would still find a way to fight free.

Julie: Chick from Up in the Air whose name reminds me of Veal Parmesean
Stacey: Yeah...I have no clue. I didn't see this movie because I don't like Clooney. Never have. He rubs me the wrong way.

Julie: This is a nice color, but it reminds me of a ruffled bedskirt or curtains or something. Or maybe I'm just jealous because she got to sleep with George Clooney on camera.

Stacey: Narf. She can have Clooney--on camera or anywhere else--but I have to agree, this dress is like a polyster orchid and a dish of shell soap had a baby. And it came out as a dress....or something...(I really need more coffee.)

Zoe Saldana

Julie: I don't know why, but this dress makes me think of a snowcone. What does that mean?

Stacey: It makes me think of plastic leis, the kind you get at a backyard luau. Not good. Not good at all. But a snowcone sounds good. I can't wait until summer. And sun! Are we done with this commentary yet?

Yes! It looks like we are! Tune in next time for some Beach Read recommendations. It's almost Spring Break, people. Whee!!!

Stacey and Julie out

Thursday, February 11, 2010

You say it's your birthday . . .

Today is the 11th day of February, 2010 which means...TAYLOR LAUTNER IS 18!!!!

(And also that Stacey and I are old creepy stalker women, but thankfully the government can't prosecute you for crimes committed in your mind.)

To celebrate this event, here are some Taylor pics (which hopefully aren't copyrighted and won't get us thrown in jail). It's so weird . . . I looked and looked, but I couldn't find a single photo of him wearing a shirt...

Stacey: LOL!! A truly awesome tribute to the talented Taylor. Happy Birthday, little Lautner. We're taking up a collection to buy you a shirt that will stay closed...but we plan on burning it in tribute to your abs.

Werewolves without third nipples forever! (Because vampire dude totally looks like he has a third nipple in "New Moon"...I'm just saying...)

Stacey and Julie

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Grammy Red Carpet Redux

Just as we did NOT watch the SAG awards, we...didn't watch the Grammy's either. What can we say, we're swinging, crazy, stay at home moms who had been trapped with our iced-in families for several days by the time this show came on. We were more concerned with not killing a loved one than snarking on celebrity fashion.

Fortunately, spouses went to work and kids to school, and our longing to make fun of others returned, much like the sun returning to the frozen tundra...or something. And so without further ado, the Grammy fashion commentary:

Stacey: And the award for most pretentious pouting and squinting goes to...these people!! (Whoever they are. I don't know anyone in music. Except the puppets on Yo Gabba Gabba and the cast of Jack's Big Music Show.)

Julie: I don't know who these people are either, but you're right. Their squinting and pouting is super-impressive. Do you think they practiced in a mirror together?

Stacey: I can see her Saturn panties. This woman is from Saturn right? (Or a nearby strip club, perhaps? The shoes make me suspicious...)

Julie: That's not a woman, that's a lady. Lady Gaga. I think she's actually from Mars, but she may have a vacation home on Saturn.

Stacey: Somewhere, a synthetic chinchilla is weeping because it now is bald. (Probably many synthetic chinchillas, actually. That's some major fuzz.)

Julie: Wow. That is just . . . scary.

Stacey: He's like a vampire Kentucky Fried Chicken guy! Awesome. (But I wouldn't eat anything he had touched or...that he'd even looked at too closely. He has an ickiness to him for some reason.)

Julie: The Colonel Sanders you don't want to meet in a dark alleyway. Because he'd drink your blood then fry you up with some biscuits and mashed potatoes.

Stacey: She looks like a curvy loveseat. Not digging the upholstered look.

Julie: It's true. That material is vaguely upholstery-ish. Well, maybe not exactly "vaguely." More like "completely and totally." But I'm just bitterly jealous of her cleavage.

Stacey: Me too. Who knew having children would make the girls smaller. Not me. Big fun post-birth and breast-feeding surprise there.

Stacey: I don't have much to say about this woman, but I'm kind of liking her bangs. Should I get bangs? (Or would I look too much like your evil twin then, Julie?)

Julie: "This woman?" That's Katy Perry. I-kissed-a-girl-and-I-liked-it Katy Perry? Your inability to identify famous people is both funny and shame-inspiring. I probably need to get a life.

Actually, I've always wanted an evil twin. That would be awesome. Then if I'm caught doing anything bad I can just say "Oh, no that wasn't me. . . it must have been my evil twin. Stacey."

Stacey: I'm sorry. I used to know the famous. Parade some kid TV stars in front of me and I could name them all. I picked out Steve from Blue's Clues on a totally unrelated show the other day even though he is now bald.

And cool on the evil twin stuff! I'm okay with being blamed for your badness. I think that will help me earn back some street cred. (Because I'm all about street cred.)

Stacey: French Maid meets Pillow Shoulder Space this a look? Am I behind the times again?

Julie: Duh, it's in case she gets sleepy and wants to take a nap during the show.

Stacey: *Thunks head* Totally. I should have caught on to that right away.

See you soon!

Julie and Stacey

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Roast of Stacey Jay Age 2-19

People! I, Julie, have an important announcement! Stacey's 2nd young adult novel, UNDEAD MUCH, has just hit bookstores! Have you seen its adorable cover on the side of the blog? It looks like this:

And a preview of its awesomeness looks like this:

Q: How many guys does it take to make your boyfriend wild with jealousy?
A: Only one, if he's UNDEAD.

Megan Berry had a perfectly average new-sundress-and-boy-obsessed life--until her power to settle the Undead returned. Oh, and then her best friend tried to kill her--and ruin homecoming--with a bunch of black magically raised zombies. At least she got a spot on the pom squad and a smokin' boyfriend (Ethan). But now Megan is in deep fertilizer all over again.

Why? Well, let's see...

· Feral new super-strong zombies? Check.

· Cheerleader vs. pom squad turf war threatening half time as they know it? Check.

· An Undead psychic hottie (Cliff) who's predicting a zombie apocalypse--and doing his best to tempt Megan away from Ethan? Yum. I mean, Check.

· Earth-shattering secrets that could land Megan in Settler prison for life? Um, IT WASN'T ME!!!

Everyone thinks Megan's at fault for the new uber-zombie uprising. Looks like she'll need the help of both Cliff and Ethan if she's going to prove her innocence before it's too late...

To honor this this occasion, I thought it might be nice for everyone to get to know Stacey a little bit better and she has stupidly--er, I mean, graciously provided me with some childhood photos, which I will now proceed to mock mercilessly. Because that's how we build intimacy here at ZIT, by making fun of each other. If anyone would like to send their childhood pics, feel free. We'd be happy to make fun of you too.


So cute!! Look at her little toes! And her big blue eyes! She was so adorable. At first.

Fortunately, Stacey's parents were able to save up enough money for the operation to correct the giant clown mouth that dominated her face by age 3. Her pipe habit was eventually broken with the help of hypnosis. Sadly, the hobby horse succumbed to the temptation of the liquor bottles constantly hovering over his head and became a raging alcoholic. He will be eligible for parole in 2015.

Freed of the giant clown mouth, Stacey left home and joined a band of roving fairies.

However, a magic unicorn and strange, phallic-shaped balloons soon led her back to the place of her birth.

Once home, she embarked on a rigorous course of study and quickly mastered the Art of Awkward Hand Gestures

. . . well as the Art of Monochromatic Dressing and Big Hair.

By the time she reached her teens, she had mastered the Art of Really, Really Big Hair, which caused her to acquire a host of female enemies who wished to steal this magic for themselves.

Heeding the old adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Stacey defeated these evil females through a lethal combination of inappropriate holding and replacing their heads with black squares.

To celebrate her victory, Stacey performed a lyrical dance in that most sacred of places--the parking lot.

(Stacey aside: That's actually miniature golf course. The only place for lyrical dancing, lol.)

Tired of mousse and hair picks, Stacey chopped off her locks and headed west where she began a new life as a spokesmodel for chain-link fences.

And then she wrote an awesome book called UNDEAD MUCH, which everyone should go out and buy because it's awesome. Did I mention that it's awesome? For real. So go buy it. Now. Or I'll have Stacey show me how to replace your head with a black square.



(Stacey: Hope you all will still read my book after learning the tragic history of my clown mouth syndrome and awkward hand-gesture-itis.)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Stylin' in the Afterlife

Let's talk about coffins. An uncomfortable subject, perhaps, but--like it or not--most of us are going to end up in one. Or an urn. Well, except for the woman I once did an estate plan for who wanted her ashes scattered "maybe on a sidewalk in Paris, or perhaps in the ocean, on a sunny day, while the dolphins are frolicking." I'm not even making this up. That's actually what she said.

Not that there's anything wrong with having your ashes scattered on a sidewalk in Paris or on top of frolicking dolphins but you need to: a) pick one or the other. Dolphins or Paris. Otherwise your loved one(s) will argue and/or feel confused; and b) actually NAME a loved one to perform the scattering.

Because I hate to tell you this, but requesting merely that "someone" fly your ashes to a different continent and dump them out pretty much guarantees that your final resting place will be the inside of a vacuum cleaner. Especially if you don't leave any money to pay for "someone's" travel expenses. I'm just saying.

(Stacey aside: You are SO wise. Go on with your bad lawyer self. Really, ya'll, Julie is a for real life lawyer and knows some stuff about this kind of stuff. Heed her words and all that.)

Legal advice over. Back to the main topic. Coffins. Caskets. (Is there a difference, I wonder??) It turns out, they're not all just black and hideous and depressing anymore. In fact, some of them are quite stylish. Like . . .

Julie: The sad thing is that this is the size of my actual purse.

Stacey: I think my purse is bigger. By the time I fit diaper bag stuff for baby and food for the 5 year old who is always hungry but will eat nothing but bananas and peanut butter sandwiches, I need a small carry on with me at all times.

A Laplander Sled Coffin

With this replica of a Laplander sled, Richard Mullard has created his own coffin that will enable him to be buried wearing his skis as if on a final expedition (Top Ten Crazy Coffins chosen by David Crampton, Director of Vic Fern Co. Ltd.)

Julie: So, basically they took a body bag and tied it onto a sled with a bunch of rope. This is a bit too creepy for me. People shouldn't be able to see the outline of your dead body. I'd rather just see it, you know? Otherwise my imagination conjures up all sorts of images that I'm sure are far worse than whats actually under there. So either keep your dead body covered up where I can't see your lumpy outline or expose yourself to the world so I don't spend your entire memorial service wondering if you look like something from the Mummy.

Stacey: Amen. What you said about that. But honestly, all bodies give me the creeps. I don't want to see your earthly shell after your soul is gone. I think cremation should be mandatory. But...yeah...I guess I'm weird like that. (My big sister insisted on an open casket during my father's funeral and that kind of scarred me for life. I just...yeah, I don't want to go there. I want to remember people the way they were. Alive. And shit.)

Some coffins are stylish AND functional.

Check out these offerings from The Old Pine Box --

"The Pioneer may be purchased with a shelf option . . . to serve as storage or display for any of your fine articles. It comes standard with a removable lid that may be stored separately or if a cabinet style is preferred, you may order a hinged lid."

Julie: Is it scary that I actually looked at this and thought "Wow, what an awesome idea!"??

Stacey: Yes. It is. Actually. *scoots to the other side of the blog*

The "Vinters Vessel"

"The "Vinter's Vessel" will make itself extremely useful during your lifetime and after. When needed as a burial vessel, the interior framework slides out to be re-assembled as a free standing wine rack. This will allow your collection to be displayed at your wake, permitting your mourners to do as the coffin's medallion instructs: 'Celebrate my life.'

The "Vinter's Vessel" will house 19 bottles of wine in the lower portion. The upper third of the coffin provides space for your wine glasses."

Julie: Forget that deer statue I offered to buy you a few posts ago, Stacey. THIS is the ultimate housewarming gift, especially if the hubs gets into wine school in California. (Wine school? Is that what it's called? That doesn't sound right. Vinter's school?) A wine rack AND a coffin. How's that for dual purpose?

Stacey: I actually LOVE this! As long as my loved ones cremate me and just use the wine and the glasses to party after I'm dead. I want my people to party after I'm gone. (Because we had good times together, not because they're glad the witch is finally dead. Lol.) And yes, you can get this for me. I'd also like a pony if you're really feeling generous ;).

The "Chariot"

"A simply designed pet coffin with sliding lid and decorative trim . . .Until needed for its ultimate use, the Chariot can function beautifully as your pet's toy box."

Julie: Are there people who actually bury their pets in a coffin? Really? Is that a Northern thing? We just wrap ours in a trash bag. And by "we" I mean my husband. At least, in my mind he wraps them in a trash bag. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what he really does--because I'm 100% certain it doesn't involve a neat little wooden box with sliding lid and decorative trim.

Stacey: This is why I don't have pets. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with my house plants when I inevitably kill them.

OR, you could forget the traditional and have yourself turned into something really useful like. . . a princess cut diamond ring. . .

Or perhaps a nice necklace.

"LifeGem is a certified, high quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another. Because like the memory of a loved one, a diamond lasts forever."

Julie: People think I'm kidding, but I'm really doing this. I'm having myself turned into a diamond ring. And my husband into matching earrings. For real. I think it's the most awesome idea ever. Who wants to drag around a stupid urn or trek out to a depressing cemetery?

A nice piece of jewelry, on the other hand--well, who wouldn't want that? I think it makes much more sense to leave my daughter with platinum earrings and ring than a yucky urn or the hassle of a cemetery plot.

Stacey: And this is why you are wise and awesome and I turn to you in times of trouble. Excellent idea. I'll do that too.

Stacey and Julie Out!