Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Shhhh, don't tell Stacey--it's me, Julie, hijacking the blog. It's probably not nice to highjack the blog from your critique partner, but I can't help it. I MUST express my fangirl love for Stacey's latest book, My So-Called Death because it's SO FREAKING HILARIOUS.
I know, I know. You probably think I'm just saying that because she's the zombie to my tiara, but I'm not!! Really. I'm not that nice. Plus, I had an independent expert review the book and she agrees with me.
Transcript of text messages between me and independent expert:
Me: What up?
Expert: Y r u texting me?
Me: I can't text my own daughter?
Me: What r u doing?
Expert: Mommy stop trying to act cool
Me: Abigail texts u
Expert: Abigail is my age 11
Expert: Plus u r sitting on couch next 2 me
Expert: And u type slow
Me: did u like Stacey's book?
Expert: Duh, it has dead people in it
Me: U like it bc there r dead people?
Expert: the dead people r funny. like sarcastic and stuff.
Expert: it only took me 1 day 2 finish
Me: Do u want to write a review of it for our blog?
Expert: use 4 not for
Me: I'll think about it
Expert: Did u know daddy can't make smiley face?
Me: daddy is text challenged.
Me: So?? Do u want 2 write review?
Expert: like a book report?
Me: sort of, not really. u just tell what u like about it and y.
Expert: how is that not like book report?
Me: um ... well, u dont have to draw a picture
Expert: no thanks
Expert: but tell stacey she writes really good dead people
Me: great. she'll b thrilled i'm sure
Monday, March 8, 2010
that bracelet is fabulous. You hardly notice her lilac rose boobs at all.
Stacey: I adore the Streep too. I love her attitude. It's the perfect mix of genuine sweetness and I-don't-give-a-crap-what-you-think. Perfect. And I like this dress too. Very classy, sexy, yet age appropriate.
Julie: Sigourney Weaver scares me. Always. I don't think I ever recovered from seeing Alien. Or maybe it was being forced to sit through 2 excruciating hours of Gorillas in the Mist during 8th grade history. Or maybe it's because her name is "Sigourney." I can't critique her dress. Every time I look at her all I see is that Alien slobbering everywhere.
Julie: This dress is very silver and . . . um, silver. She looks nice, but I still haven't forgiven her for enticing me to go see The Reader, which made me feel like a total pervert because she's naked with, like, a 16 year old boy. And he's naked too. Like, really naked. And I didn't need to see that Kate Winslet. Next time you want to get naked with a boy who is way too young for both of us, call Taylor Lautner, okay?
Julie: This is the best I have ever seen Sandra Bullock look. On E! they were saying that the top looks like an ice skating costume, which is probably why I like it, lol. I have very blingy taste.
Yes, Bullock was looking fabulous. I liked the sparkle too. I don't believe there is such a thing as too much sparkle on a dressy night. Heck, she could have taken it a step further, added a tiara to the mix, and called herself the Queen of Awards season. Maybe knighted some people at the after party.
Julie: On stage I thought she looked really good, but this pic is troublesome. Does anyone else see the multiple pairs of nude pantyhose wrapped around her torso?
Julie: Jinkies! Someone who is as pale and ghostly as me!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but the
Julie: Girl whose name I forgot and am too tired to look up but I'm pretty sure she's on Big Love.
(Stacey: Amanda something, definitely on Big Love.)
Julie: This material reminds me of textured toilet paper. Or maybe it's paper towels I'm thinking of? Some kind of textured paper product.
Julie: A little old for her, I think, although the black goes nicely with her I-really-don't-want-to-be-here-this-sucks vibe. Or is it navy blue? Now I'm thinking it looks kind of navy blue. Shockingly, she didn't trip when she presented, although she coughed awkwardly. I feel a kinship with her too. Like when she dropped her statue-thingie at the MTV awards--that's exactly what would happen to me if I was a famous movie star. I'd drop stuff on stage and trip and just generally embarrass myself.
Julie: Maggie Gyllenhall (Possibly misspelled her last name but am too lazy to look that up too)
Julie: I love her so I feel mean commenting on her hideous dress or the fact that her hair looked like she'd slept on it for about two days--did you see all the flyaways, flying around all over the place when she was on stage?
Stacey: Yeah...I have no clue. I didn't see this movie because I don't like Clooney. Never have. He rubs me the wrong way.
Julie: This is a nice color, but it reminds me of a ruffled bedskirt or curtains or something. Or maybe I'm just jealous because she got to sleep with George Clooney on camera.
Yes! It looks like we are! Tune in next time for some Beach Read recommendations. It's almost Spring Break, people. Whee!!!
Stacey and Julie out
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Stacey: LOL!! A truly awesome tribute to the talented Taylor. Happy Birthday, little Lautner. We're taking up a collection to buy you a shirt that will stay closed...but we plan on burning it in tribute to your abs.
Werewolves without third nipples forever! (Because vampire dude totally looks like he has a third nipple in "New Moon"...I'm just saying...)
Stacey and Julie
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Fortunately, spouses went to work and kids to school, and our longing to make fun of others returned, much like the sun returning to the frozen tundra...or something. And so without further ado, the Grammy fashion commentary:
Stacey: And the award for most pretentious pouting and squinting goes to...these people!! (Whoever they are. I don't know anyone in music. Except the puppets on Yo Gabba Gabba and the cast of Jack's Big Music Show.)
Stacey: I can see her Saturn panties. This woman is from Saturn right? (Or a nearby strip club, perhaps? The shoes make me suspicious...)
Stacey: Somewhere, a synthetic chinchilla is weeping because it now is bald. (Probably many synthetic chinchillas, actually. That's some major fuzz.)
Stacey: He's like a vampire Kentucky Fried Chicken guy! Awesome. (But I wouldn't eat anything he had touched or...that he'd even looked at too closely. He has an ickiness to him for some reason.)
Stacey: She looks like a curvy loveseat. Not digging the upholstered look.
Stacey: Me too. Who knew having children would make the girls smaller. Not me. Big fun post-birth and breast-feeding surprise there.
Stacey: I don't have much to say about this woman, but I'm kind of liking her bangs. Should I get bangs? (Or would I look too much like your evil twin then, Julie?)
Stacey: I'm sorry. I used to know the famous. Parade some kid TV stars in front of me and I could name them all. I picked out Steve from Blue's Clues on a totally unrelated show the other day even though he is now bald.
And cool on the evil twin stuff! I'm okay with being blamed for your badness. I think that will help me earn back some street cred. (Because I'm all about street cred.)
Stacey: French Maid meets Pillow Shoulder Space Girl...is this a look? Am I behind the times again?
Stacey: *Thunks head* Totally. I should have caught on to that right away.
See you soon!
Julie and Stacey
Saturday, January 30, 2010
A: Only one, if he's UNDEAD.
Megan Berry had a perfectly average new-sundress-and-boy-obsessed life--until her power to settle the Undead returned. Oh, and then her best friend tried to kill her--and ruin homecoming--with a bunch of black magically raised zombies. At least she got a spot on the pom squad and a smokin' boyfriend (Ethan). But now Megan is in deep fertilizer all over again.
Why? Well, let's see...
· Feral new super-strong zombies? Check.
· Cheerleader vs. pom squad turf war threatening half time as they know it? Check.
· An Undead psychic hottie (Cliff) who's predicting a zombie apocalypse--and doing his best to tempt Megan away from Ethan? Yum. I mean, Check.
· Earth-shattering secrets that could land Megan in Settler prison for life? Um, IT WASN'T ME!!!
Everyone thinks Megan's at fault for the new uber-zombie uprising. Looks like she'll need the help of both Cliff and Ethan if she's going to prove her innocence before it's too late...
However, a magic unicorn and strange, phallic-shaped balloons soon led her back to the place of her birth.
Once home, she embarked on a rigorous course of study and quickly mastered the Art of Awkward Hand Gestures
By the time she reached her teens, she had mastered the Art of Really, Really Big Hair, which caused her to acquire a host of female enemies who wished to steal this magic for themselves.
(Stacey: Hope you all will still read my book after learning the tragic history of my clown mouth syndrome and awkward hand-gesture-itis.)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Let's talk about coffins. An uncomfortable subject, perhaps, but--like it or not--most of us are going to end up in one. Or an urn. Well, except for the woman I once did an estate plan for who wanted her ashes scattered "maybe on a sidewalk in Paris, or perhaps in the ocean, on a sunny day, while the dolphins are frolicking." I'm not even making this up. That's actually what she said.
(Stacey aside: You are SO wise. Go on with your bad lawyer self. Really, ya'll, Julie is a for real life lawyer and knows some stuff about this kind of stuff. Heed her words and all that.)
Stacey: I think my purse is bigger. By the time I fit diaper bag stuff for baby and food for the 5 year old who is always hungry but will eat nothing but bananas and peanut butter sandwiches, I need a small carry on with me at all times.
With this replica of a Laplander sled, Richard Mullard has created his own coffin that will enable him to be buried wearing his skis as if on a final expedition (Top Ten Crazy Coffins chosen by David Crampton, Director of Vic Fern Co. Ltd.)
Stacey: Amen. What you said about that. But honestly, all bodies give me the creeps. I don't want to see your earthly shell after your soul is gone. I think cremation should be mandatory. But...yeah...I guess I'm weird like that. (My big sister insisted on an open casket during my father's funeral and that kind of scarred me for life. I just...yeah, I don't want to go there. I want to remember people the way they were. Alive. And shit.)
Some coffins are stylish AND functional.
"The Pioneer may be purchased with a shelf option . . . to serve as storage or display for any of your fine articles. It comes standard with a removable lid that may be stored separately or if a cabinet style is preferred, you may order a hinged lid."
The "Vinters Vessel"
OR, you could forget the traditional and have yourself turned into something really useful like. . . a princess cut diamond ring. . .
Or perhaps a nice necklace.
"LifeGem is a certified, high quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another. Because like the memory of a loved one, a diamond lasts forever."
Stacey and Julie Out!