Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Working the ZIT dress

As promised, this week we're sharing tips on how to look fabulous in your very own ZIT dress!! It's so easy! By following just two simple rules, you can wear your undead fashion for anything from running out to the grocery store to elegant black tie affairs.

Rule Number One: When wearing a ZIT dress it is imperative that you channel your inner zombie.

And what does channeling your inner zombie entail, you ask?Consider this-- When zombies claw their way out of their cozy coffins and stagger around terrorizing innocent townspeople, do they seem at all self-conscious about little things like their decaying flesh, or worm-infested eyes, or putrid aroma?

No way! They OWN their rotting corpses. They're not secretly worrying about whether their disintegrating funeral shroud makes their butt look big while they're sucking somebody's brains out. They're in the moment. And that's what you have to do when wearing a ZIT dress--own it! Don't worry about what the innocent townspeople are saying behind your back.

Rule Number Two: Pretend you are a beauty queen.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I don't mean run out and slather heorrhoid cream under your eyes and duct tape your boobs together (although if either of those two things sound appealing to you, go for it). I'm talking about projecting a beauty queen's attitude. It's similar to channeling your inner zombie except with less blood and guts and more Aqua Net. Because channeling your inner zombie requires a certain amount of "screw off" attitude, which can be off-putting if not tempered by a little dose of happy-happy sweetness.

That's where your secret beauty queen comes in. Don't try to pretend you don't have one. You do. I promise. So when wearing your ZIT dress, take it out, throw your shoulders back, smile big, and flounce around like Miss America. (A sparkly tiara helps too)Otherwise, you're likely to come off as angry-creepy-goth girl, and that's no fun. Unless, of course, you want to be angry-creepy-goth girl, but that's an entirely different blog subject.

Perfect Example: Miley Cyrus (aka "the bane of my existence because I have a 10 year old daughter") Miley demonstrates a fabulous blend of inner zombie and inner beauty queen in this frothy violet concoction.

So, don't wait for Halloween, people! Break out those hacked up gowns now! Hmmn, Stacey, that gives me an idea . . . perhaps we should arrange a ZIT photo contest of some sort??

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar Fashion: Zombies in Tiaras Redux

In which Julie and Stacey weigh in on the Oscar night fashion:

SJ: From the "they might be zombies" files...

JL: And can you believe that she dates Ralph Fiennes? Clearly he prefers his women to have that "just risen from the dead" look.

SJ: Or maybe he's pigment blind. Like color blind but...pigmenty...

SJ: They might be zombies, Part Deux! Attack of the Beige!

JL: Anyone who dates Marilyn Manson qualifies as a zombie, no matter what they're wearing.

SJ: Look at you! So up on the gossip. I don't even know who I'm dating half the time. (Wait! I'm married. Heh.)

SJ: Beautiful dress, beautiful girl, totally tiara-worthy, but she still creeps me out a little. I get that "I'd like to suck your blood" vibe. Maybe it's all the red...

JL: I agree. Definitely a blood sucking vibe. It's her eyes.

SJ: Poor thing, she was clearly attacked by zombies pre-red carpet. It seems the damage was mostly to her hair, however, and her egglant chiffon number emerged relatively unscathed.

JL: Do you think it was zombies? I was thinking birds.

SJ: You could be right. Looking for a place to nest, but were overwhelmed by toxic Aquanet fumes?

SJ: Jessica Biel attempts to conceal a flesh-eating midget beneath the poof on her dress...or maybe she's just sneaking in some snacks for later. Those award shows can go on forever, I hear.

JL: Sigh. Jessica B. is a perpetual disappointment on the red carpet. Such wasted potential.

SJ: Yep. She coulda been a contender.

SJ: Corpse Flower: The Dress. It blooms amogst the decay.

JL: Mary Hart made the top ten at Miss America in 1970 . . . so I assume once upon a time she knew how to dress.

SJ: Or the seventies were creepy and corpse-flowerish.

SJ: Gothic Princess run Amok avec le dead bird en zee chest. (That's how you learn to speak French when you're raised in Arkansas. For ze real, we have some of the most poorly funded public schools in la nation.)

JL: Do you think she plucked those feathers herself? Or had her evil minions do it?

SJ: Totally minions. I want some minions!

SJ: And I think we have a winner! I can't imagine a more perfect Zombies in Tiaras dress. It's got the floofy, the sparkles, the black netting hacked at strange angles in order to lend it a vaguely menacing air. Love it. I think we should buy knock-offs Jules and wear them...somewhere. I don't really go many swank-worthy places? I mean...maybe Wal-Mart. Occasionally the hubs and I drag the kids to the sushi bar down the street. How about you?

JL: Same here. The mall is about as swanky as I get. BUT luckily, you don't need a special occasion to wear a Zombie in Tiara worthy dress! It's all about the attitude!

More about how to work the Zombie In Tiara dress next week!

Julie and Stacey