Thursday, August 27, 2009

Gimme a Z-I-T!!

In further celebration of back to school-ing, we here at Zombies in Tiaras bring you:

A Pictorial Celebration of Strange School Mascots! Part One.

(There are so many werid mascots, we may revisit this subject again when we run out of things to blog about...I mean...when school mascots are once again relevant and pertinent and...stuff.)

First up, our own home state of Arkansas. It's only right, and painfully easy. Arkansans, as always, have made some interesting decisions when it came to naming their mascots.


Go Wonder Boys!

SJ: This is the only image I could find on the Tech website. Seems they don't want anyone to know exactly what a 'wonder boy' looks like. Thankfully, I have the power of google and found this:

SJ: This, apparently, is a wonder boy. From a video game or something? He looks very fearsome and manly. His flowing blond mullet would terrify me into fleeing the field if I were a member of the opposing team. Fear the mullet, not the mallet.

JL: Too many inappropriate/offensive comments running through mind, trying to force my fingers to type them. Must. Resist.

So now everyone knows our shame as Arkansans. The Wonder Boys. This choice of mascot has long perplexed me. Mostly because--what about the girls' teams? Are they the "Wonder Boys" too? Or the "Wonder Girls?" Or, much more awesome-ly the "Wonder Women?" Because that would actually be cool.

Wonder Boys, though? I'm sorry. That's just #$*&@ up.


Go Weevils!

SJ: Yep. It's a bug. A really ugly bug.

SJ: This would scare my son to death. But he's five. I'm not sure that spooky schnozz is going to work it's intimidation magic on anyone out of kindergarten.

JL: I don't know. Those sneakers are pretty scary. Is it just me, or does he look like a character from Veggie Tales?

SJ: A real boll weevil feeds on cotton and lays its eggs in the immature buds, leaving behind a bunch of babies who will destroy the plant. My cotton-farming daddy would not have been amused at this choice of mascot. In fact, he probably would have written a Letter to The Paper. (Highest form of insult available to those who preferred to fight with the pen in the time before The Internetz.)

JL: Now THIS boll weevil actually looks bad-ass. And absolutely nothing like Mr. Green Furry Suit above. Whoever designed Montecillo's mascot costume=FAIL.

Moving on to other, even grosser mascot-ness, we have:


Go slugs!

SJ: It's a slug! It's a bright, yellow slug!!

JL: Why is he wearing glasses?? And reading Plato? This is freaking me out.

SJ: Eww! Man dressed as bright, yellow slug!!

JL: OMG, and this guy reminds me of a Teletubbie. I think it's his jolly, round stomach. Although, actually I think that's supposed to be the bottom part of his body, not his stomach. And where are his glasses? And tome by a Greek philospher? His sneakers are way cooler than the Boll weevil's, though. I'll give him that.

SJ: Holy gross a REAL bright, yellow slug! Blerck!! (I'm not a girly girl, but keep anything that slimy and squishy looking AWAY from me. Far, far, away.)

JL: I am a girly girl so I have no problem squealing (in a very high-pitched tone) EEEEEEEEEK!!! It's so slimy! And squishy-looking! And what are those weird pink things poking out of it underside? Nipples? They look like fingertips.

Okay, wait. They are fingertips. I see now. A person is actually holding the slug in his/her hand.
Eeeeeew!! Somebody's touching that thing! I think I preferred thinking the pink things were nipples.


Go okra! (Or maybe Go 'kra! That sound a little more bad ass. Emphasis on "little".)

SJ: This may be the best mascot ever! I want to cut him up, cover him in cornmeal, fry him, and eat greasy platefuls of okra-y goodness until I'm sick. I LOVE okra. My favorite southern food ever. In fact, I believe I've been moved to haiku:
Oh fearsome okra
with your scary unibrow
you rock very hard

JL: Okra is the most awesome southern food ever! (I prefer it so fried it's actually teetering on the edge of burnt to a crisp.) I love this mascot! He has angry eyebrows. Except curse you, Stacey! Now I'm starving.

SJ: That really is scary, though. That kid looks like he's about to make a run for it.

JL: Yeah, and check out his boxing gloves. He's like Rocky. You know, if Rocky were a vegetable instead of Sylvester Stallone.


Go Squatch! (That is fun to say.)

SJ: I actually find her kind of adorable, yet fearsome at the same time. I want to hug her and ask for a leaf from her basket. (It is a her, here, I think. Right? I mean, there's something feminine in the face. I'm thinking a guy Squatch would have longer teeth. Or something.)

JL: Hmmm, now that you mention it, I think it is a girl. Her hair is far too well-groomed to be a guy. She looks like she combed herself and possibly even applied a styling product before going out. See how those layers are artfully arranged around her face? No guy Squatch is going to mess with that. And no self-respecting guy Squatch is going to be caught dead carrying a wicker basket over his arm either. Definitely a girl. I, too, find her rather endearing. Mabye it's because of the cute way she's walking with those little girls. Or maybe I just feel a solidarity with her because that's what my legs look like if I don't shave for three days.

SJ: Can I confess that I find these dudes dressed up as Sasquatch kind of hot? I mean, I'm ashamed, but I do. I've always had a thing for hairy guys. I became obsessed with this boy I dated in college while he was sporting a super long untrimmed beard for a historically accurate version of Macbeth. True Confession, right here on the blog.

JL: Snort!! Spitting out Red Bull as picture of Stacey on date with Sasquatch wearing giant gold cross flashes across mind.

Tune in next week, when we'll probably blog about something else. And there will be pictures and commentary and...stuff!

Stacey and Julie

Monday, August 10, 2009

Back to School Fashion: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

According to pretty much every fashion magazine and website in the world, the hot fashion trend for the fall is 80's style. Which is both cool and frightening at the same time. Cool because the 80's are a decade of awesome. Frightening because some of the stuff we wore in the 80's was bad. So bad. Many heinous crimes against style were committed during that decade. We know. We have the photo albums to prove it. Well, at least I do. I'm a couple years older than Stacey so I'm not sure about her.
(Stacey: Oh hells yeah, I do. My elementary school years were filled with giant bangs full of Aquanet and lime green leggings. *shudder*)

Actually now that I think about it 2 years isn't that much so I'm willing to bet that somewhere in her deep dark past is a pic of her sporting a side ponytail or a scrunchie or possibly even (horror!) a BANANA CLIP. There has to be something. I don't know anybody who emerged unscathed.

(Stacey: I rocked the side ponytail. Hell, sometimes I still rock the side ponytail. Does that mean I'm fashion forward or terrifying behind? I guess it definitely means I was scathed. Big time scathed.)

Devious thought: Should I call up Stacey's mother and try to trick her into sending me a super-embarassing photo?

(Stacey: Um, you could try, devious thinker, but you'd have to wait for snail mail. My mother is not versed in the ways of scanner and email. Thank god.)

But because the 80's weren't a particularly fashion friendly decade, we, as your older and wiser counterparts, feel it is our duty to help you navigate through the treacherous waters of this potentially disaster-making trend.

First up: Acid wash denim

JL: To borrow a popular phrase from the 80's, Just say no to this look. If I have to explain why then I'm afraid you need to enroll in Remedial Fashion 101. Exceptions to this rule are if you happen to be a) a rodeo queen; b) a supermodel; or c) a time-traveler like in that Nicholas Sparks' book they just made into a movie (but only if you're time traveling back to 1984).

SJ: Actually, the acid washed denim is something I can see working on some people, as long as the acid washedness is limited to either top or bottom and not allowed to spread across the entire frame like some jean bleaching virus. What I find really terrifying about the featured photo is the shoulder pads. GOD, I hated shoulder pads. I even hated them then. I used to cut them out of my clothes and my mom would get so pissed. But even as an eight year old, I knew I didn't want line backer shoulders. I mean, call me crazy but....yeah...I wasn't crazy, I was right! Right!! Before my time right!!! (This makes up for the side ponytail action, doesn't it?)

The knotted tee shirt

JL: One of the few 80's looks that's still acceptable--even cute--today. Feel free to rock this look all you want, particularly if you have some cool tees.

[WARNING: Muffin top + this look=DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I'm serious. And no, I don't care how cute your belly button ring is, or how much your new tat is begging to see the light of day. You can only wear this if you have a relatively flat stomach.]

SJ: Yes, I like this look. I also like to knot the tee in the back. As for muffin tops, my muffin top brings all the boys to the yard so I don't know what you're talking about. I think it's the baby stretch marks decorating the muffin top that really get them keyed up :).

Converse sneakers

JL: Another Kristen Stewart pic!! I'm starting to think this 80's thing is all her fault. Personally, I think she looks totally adorable, but you have to have that kind of "rocker chic" vibe going on to pull off Converse and a dress. So if you're a rocker chic, go for it. For everybody else, Converse and jeans/shorts/capris. They're timeless. Like pearls.

Okay, so maybe not exactly like pearls. Peace signs, maybe?

SJ: Timeless like jeans themselves. And white tee shirts. And diamond stud earrings. (I also think we should blame Kristen Stewart for this trend. I believe this is all her fault. I think we should make her cut her bangs and wear them fluffy and sprayed with the 'net for a week as penance.)

"Hammer pants"

JL: OMG. These should be illegal. In every state. Even MC Hammer couldn't get away with wearing these pants now. IF YOU WEAR THESE PANTS WE DON'T KNOW YOU. You're dead to us.

SJ: *Snarf!* Oh man, these are funny. I had a pair of these. I wore them to jazz class. I thought I was really, really cool. I am so ashamed. I'm dead to myself as of right now.

The Scrunchie

JL: Is this the part where I confess that I still own, like, 100 scrunchies? But no neon ones. And I don't wear them in public. Just at night, after I wash my hair. They're handy. I don't think I'm qualified to comment on scrunchies. I'm too biased.

SJ: I never really got into the scrunchie--they never seemed to hold up the full weight of my hair because I had a LOT of hair in the 80's--but my stepdaughter enjoyed coordinating her outfits with scrunchies that I bought her at Gymboree. I thought it was cute. I'm kind of sad now that she's too old to search for the perfect daisy-patterned scrunchie to match her dress.

80's hair: It burns us!

JL: I think I went to high school with the girl on the right. I can't even make fun of these chicks because I'm too busy hyperventilating with laughter over the next picture-

JL: Is this seriously for real? And if so, how many cans of Aqua Net do you think it took to achieve that kind of height? Although they look more like White Rain kind of people to me.

SJ: Muah!! Ha! Hehehehe!! Oh my god, that's wonderful. Priceless. I think I love them, in a weird sort of "we took matching to where the sidewalk ends and insanity begins" type of way.

JL: This kind of hair is like the MC Hammer pants--DON'T DO IT. Not only will your hair suffer, you'll be a walking fire hazard. Just think if somebody lit a match too close to these people. Poof! It would make nice zombie hair, though.

SJ: Awesome zombie hair. The undead love big hair. It's a fact.

Crimping. Another 80's hair obsession

JL: This is what a crimping iron looks like. And now, for more embarassing confessions . . . I still own one. A crimping iron. It's neon blue and green.

SJ: No, Julie. Please...say it isn't so.

JL: Wait. I gets worse. I not only still own one, I use it. Regularly.

SJ: No!!!! (*notion that Julie is most perfect, elegant southern woman ever comes crashing to the ground in a ball of white-rain fueled flames*)

JL: Mostly on my daughter, but sometimes on myself too. Now you all know my shame. Although honestly, I think crimping, when used judiciously, can look really cute. For instance:

JL: See? Portia de Rossi's crimped ponytail looks cute. I'm not totally crazy. Right? Right??

SJ: Right, Julie...right, of course. (*pets Julie soothingly*--it's the only thing a friend can do in this kind of situation.)

Queen of the 80's: Madonna

JL: I remember when I got the "Like a Virgin" tape. One of my friends asked me if I knew what a "virgin" was and I answered [very condescendingly] "Duh, it's Jesus' mother." I was a very sheltered child.

SJ: Aw, that's cute. I had no idea what it was either, but I remember my dad being horrified when I started singing it on my swingset instead of the "Rainbow Bright" songs.

Queen of today: Miley

JL: You can update the Madonna 80's look by doing something like what Miley is wearing here. Although unless you study pole dancing or your school has a very lenient (i.e. nonexistent) dress code, you're probably not going to get away with the skintight leather (or is it sequined?) mini skirt.

SJ: That's more of Miley's leg than I want to see. Though I do like the wife beater action. I think one should choose one or the other, however. Show skin on top, or on bottom. Both just screams "I'm trying too hard". Cover it up a little, leave a little mystery.

JL: Finally, check out my new favorite tee shirt that I just saw online at Charlotte Russe. Which has nothing to do with 80's fashion, but happens to be in keeping with my mood of late.
SJ: Oh, I love that! I want it! This is my mood shirt of late. "Real Bear Hugs Are Often Fatal". Remember that, people. It's not all fun and games out here with the bears.

Until next time, keep it drop dead fabulous,

Julie and Stacey