A Pictorial Celebration of Strange School Mascots! Part One.
(There are so many werid mascots, we may revisit this subject again when we run out of things to blog about...I mean...when school mascots are once again relevant and pertinent and...stuff.)
First up, our own home state of Arkansas. It's only right, and painfully easy. Arkansans, as always, have made some interesting decisions when it came to naming their mascots.
ARKANSAS TECH WONDER BOYS
Go Wonder Boys!
SJ: This is the only image I could find on the Tech website. Seems they don't want anyone to know exactly what a 'wonder boy' looks like. Thankfully, I have the power of google and found this:
SJ: This, apparently, is a wonder boy. From a video game or something? He looks very fearsome and manly. His flowing blond mullet would terrify me into fleeing the field if I were a member of the opposing team. Fear the mullet, not the mallet.
JL: Too many inappropriate/offensive comments running through mind, trying to force my fingers to type them. Must. Resist.
So now everyone knows our shame as Arkansans. The Wonder Boys. This choice of mascot has long perplexed me. Mostly because--what about the girls' teams? Are they the "Wonder Boys" too? Or the "Wonder Girls?" Or, much more awesome-ly the "Wonder Women?" Because that would actually be cool.
Wonder Boys, though? I'm sorry. That's just #$*&@ up.
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS MONTICELLO BOLL WEEVILS
Go Weevils!
SJ: Yep. It's a bug. A really ugly bug.
SJ: This would scare my son to death. But he's five. I'm not sure that spooky schnozz is going to work it's intimidation magic on anyone out of kindergarten.
JL: I don't know. Those sneakers are pretty scary. Is it just me, or does he look like a character from Veggie Tales?
SJ: A real boll weevil feeds on cotton and lays its eggs in the immature buds, leaving behind a bunch of babies who will destroy the plant. My cotton-farming daddy would not have been amused at this choice of mascot. In fact, he probably would have written a Letter to The Paper. (Highest form of insult available to those who preferred to fight with the pen in the time before The Internetz.)
JL: Now THIS boll weevil actually looks bad-ass. And absolutely nothing like Mr. Green Furry Suit above. Whoever designed Montecillo's mascot costume=FAIL.
Moving on to other, even grosser mascot-ness, we have:
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SANTA CRUZ BANANA SLUGS
Go slugs!
SJ: It's a slug! It's a bright, yellow slug!!
JL: Why is he wearing glasses?? And reading Plato? This is freaking me out.
SJ: Eww! Man dressed as bright, yellow slug!!
JL: OMG, and this guy reminds me of a Teletubbie. I think it's his jolly, round stomach. Although, actually I think that's supposed to be the bottom part of his body, not his stomach. And where are his glasses? And tome by a Greek philospher? His sneakers are way cooler than the Boll weevil's, though. I'll give him that.
SJ: Holy gross a REAL bright, yellow slug! Blerck!! (I'm not a girly girl, but keep anything that slimy and squishy looking AWAY from me. Far, far, away.)
JL: I am a girly girl so I have no problem squealing (in a very high-pitched tone) EEEEEEEEEK!!! It's so slimy! And squishy-looking! And what are those weird pink things poking out of it underside? Nipples? They look like fingertips.
Okay, wait. They are fingertips. I see now. A person is actually holding the slug in his/her hand.
Eeeeeew!! Somebody's touching that thing! I think I preferred thinking the pink things were nipples.
DELTA STATE FIGHTING OKRA! (MISSISSIPPI)
Go okra! (Or maybe Go 'kra! That sound a little more bad ass. Emphasis on "little".)
SJ: This may be the best mascot ever! I want to cut him up, cover him in cornmeal, fry him, and eat greasy platefuls of okra-y goodness until I'm sick. I LOVE okra. My favorite southern food ever. In fact, I believe I've been moved to haiku:
Oh fearsome okra
with your scary unibrow
you rock very hard
JL: Okra is the most awesome southern food ever! (I prefer it so fried it's actually teetering on the edge of burnt to a crisp.) I love this mascot! He has angry eyebrows. Except curse you, Stacey! Now I'm starving.
SJ: That really is scary, though. That kid looks like he's about to make a run for it.
JL: Yeah, and check out his boxing gloves. He's like Rocky. You know, if Rocky were a vegetable instead of Sylvester Stallone.
SPOKANE SASQUATCHES (WASHINGTON)
Go Squatch! (That is fun to say.)
SJ: I actually find her kind of adorable, yet fearsome at the same time. I want to hug her and ask for a leaf from her basket. (It is a her, here, I think. Right? I mean, there's something feminine in the face. I'm thinking a guy Squatch would have longer teeth. Or something.)
JL: Hmmm, now that you mention it, I think it is a girl. Her hair is far too well-groomed to be a guy. She looks like she combed herself and possibly even applied a styling product before going out. See how those layers are artfully arranged around her face? No guy Squatch is going to mess with that. And no self-respecting guy Squatch is going to be caught dead carrying a wicker basket over his arm either. Definitely a girl. I, too, find her rather endearing. Mabye it's because of the cute way she's walking with those little girls. Or maybe I just feel a solidarity with her because that's what my legs look like if I don't shave for three days.
SJ: Can I confess that I find these dudes dressed up as Sasquatch kind of hot? I mean, I'm ashamed, but I do. I've always had a thing for hairy guys. I became obsessed with this boy I dated in college while he was sporting a super long untrimmed beard for a historically accurate version of Macbeth. True Confession, right here on the blog.
JL: Snort!! Spitting out Red Bull as picture of Stacey on date with Sasquatch wearing giant gold cross flashes across mind.
Tune in next week, when we'll probably blog about something else. And there will be pictures and commentary and...stuff!
xo
Stacey and Julie
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