Thursday, October 8, 2009

Craigslist-It can haz funny!

While some people spend their spare time doing things like rock climbing, or painting watercolors, or visiting sick children in the hospital, we spend our free time engaged in actual worthwhile activities, like scrolling through the best-of-craigslist and laughing hysterically. Read on for a view of our most recent faves.

i need help moving my chickens

Date: 2009-07-26, 11:04PM CDT

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

JL: This is one of those times where I really wish the poster had included more information because I have a LOT of questions about this ad. Such as--how, exactly, did he come to be in possession of 1,243 chickens? Because contrary to what you might think, chickens are actually hard to acquire. It's not like when you feed a stray cat a few times and the next thing you know she's dropping litters of kittens in your barbecue grill, or your garage, or--in an unfortunate incident at my mom's house--a pile of brush you've just set on fire and realized too late that it also contains fuzzy baby kittens who you will later discover as charred little bodies that will make everyone cry.

STACEY ASIDE--What the hell? Oh my god, why did you have to tell that story? I'm crying now. And a little sick to my stomach. Ugh--END STACEY ASIDE

JL: Today's chicken eggs will only hatch if incubated in a bank of high-tech equipment operated by a team of scientists from NASA. I know. I spent half of last year navigating around all the chicken hatching equipment in my kitchen because my husband (who, incidentally, is insane)thought it would be a great idea to hatch roughly one gazillion baby chickens next to the pantry. So it's not like this guy had a few hens and a few roosters and things got out of control. He had to work to acquire those 1, 243 chickens. Why? Why would anybody in their right mind want 1,000+ chickens? I would say that must be how he makes a living, except then doesn't it seem like he'd own a chicken trailer or truck or something?

Other questions . . . Is the 1,243 number including or excluding the chickens he lost during the first three trips? Were the lost chickens properly secured in seat belts and/or age/weight appropriate booster seats?

SJ: I have questions too. it okay to cuss on Craigslist? Because that guy totally dropped the "s" bomb. And why doesn't he have any capital letters at the beginning of his sentences? This isn't a text, it's an AD, buddy. Be a little professional with your request for help with your shitting chickens. God.

Small Space for Right Roommate

About your space: We have a limited time offer for a "nook" in our living room. The nook is currently home to my bike and is 6' x 3'. It is perfect for someone who needs a little respite between apartments and has a comfy sleeping bag. The nook has wall to wall carpeting and has window to private patio. Though it's located in the main living room, you will be assured privacy by the entertainment center and nearby couch. We have limited space in our closet for your things, mostly it's a room for the water heater, our suitcases, and a baby doll on a stick.

JL: Blah, blah, blah--the second paragraph says some boring stuff, but I'm omitting because of aforementioned boringness.

About you: Having experience living with multiple women is a plus, we are open to either male or female roommate. We're opening up the nook for the right person, one who can be mindful of the morning shower routine, pitch in with general cleaning, and bonus points if you can change light bulbs since we're vertically challenged. We'd like to get along with our new nook occupant so please be a responsible, fun-loving, hilarious, and all around good person. We'd like to be entertained so talents are a plus. The rent: Negotiable per above standards Availability: Now through mutually determined date.

JL: My favorite part about this ad is the "baby doll on a stick." Love, love, love it.

SJ: Me too! God, that's disturbing. What were they doing with that baby doll?

Body Dumping Location Available

Date: 2009-07-21, 8:56PM EDT

Don't stuff grandma in the freezer! By now you've probably heard about the Glen Burnie family that stored their 83-year-old grandmother's dead body in a freezer:,0,168200.story. It turns out that no law was broken.

Yep, dumping a body is legal around here. Health care workers and other professionals are required to report deaths, but ordinary citizens are not. And, apparently, no state law prohibits the burial or storage of a body on private property. I'm a laid-off Baltimore-area homeowner. After ten months of unemployment, and the future looking even more grim, I'm willing to consider allowing my backyard to be used for body dumping. Call it private burial if you prefer.

I could probably take a half-dozen bodies without arousing the attention of neighbors. It wouldn't hurt to have one under the garden too.

Me: A discreet Baltimore County homeowner with a half-acre of easily tillable property on a quiet dead-end street.

You: An individual (not a health care worker or other professional required to report a death!) with the awkward inconvenience of disposing of a deceased relative, friend, colleague or acquaintance.

You must provide your own trash bags, tarp, quicklime, shovel, etc. I might be available to hold a flashlight, but I won't do any heavy lifting.

Accidental deaths or natural causes only. I'm not going to get involved in any shenanigans with Omar wannabes. I will not be a participant in, or an accessory to, any sort of crime.

This is a limited time offer! Act now before the state legislature changes the law! If and when the law changes (measures failed 10 years ago, after the 1999 incident), you'll be grandfathered, literally and figuratively. Price is negotiable. Serious inquiries only.

JL: Does anybody else get the sense that this guy is kidding--except not really? Fifty bucks says I could get Aunt Fran a prime spot in his garden with a single phone call. Some people might call this ad sick, or twisted, but personally, I think it's a shining example of American ingenuity.

Economy in the toilet? Life savings stolen by Bernie Madoff? Can't get a ____ (fill in the blank--job, credit card, home loan, health insurance policy) to save your life? You could be like hundreds of thousands of other Americans and apply for government benefits (good luck--you'll need it). OR . . . you could stash a few decomposing bodies around your yard for some tidy, tax-free cash!!!

Life handed this guy lemons and he's making lemonade . . . or rather, a backyard cemetery. That's the kind of work ethic this country was built upon.

SJ: !!

Actor needed for emotional role. One day high pay.

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off.

At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic--they are girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best. This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

JL: Wow. This is taking the whole rush-out-and-buy-a-look-alike-goldfish-to-replace-your-kids-dead-goldfish-before-they-get-home-from-school concept to a whole new level of parental deviance. And $500?! Why doesn't he just tell his girls Skittles is going to live with somebody else then give them each a hundred bucks and drive them to the mall or Toys r us? Cash works amazingly well for pet grief, I've found. But then again, we average about a dead pet a week around here, so my daughter is basically immune. Although she was strangely disturbed by Jessica Simpson's dog being snatched by a coyote.

SJ: This man is hysterical, but also genuinely offends me. Grow a pair, buddy. Parenting isn't always being 'the good guy'. Sometimes you've got to get real. You're a single dad, you're exhausted. You obviously didn't plan to be a single dad, but it happened and now you have to deal with it. Shouldn't your kids learn the same lesson, that sometimes life isn't perfect and you have to deal? (Stacey, who is just wicked jealous that she couldn't afford to pay an actor to tell her son that the actor lost his toy accordion and that mama didn't throw it in the trash because the sound of his playing made her want to pour battery acid in her ears.)

Looking for a MAN with very expensive sports car.

Date: 2009-07-07, 12:15PM EDT

I'm looking for a man with a very expensive sports car, a classic muscle car, or a new muscle car. All you have to do is sit in your car in the street in front of my house for one (1) hour, or less, talking to me. This will take place on a Tuesday morning, only. The time will be between approximately 8:25 a.m. and 9:25 a.m.

I want a guy I like to see me. He is NOT my husband or ex-husband. He is NOT my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. He is just a guy that I know.

You must be a non-smoker.

I will be standing in the street.

Please enclose a photograph of your vehicle.

Compensation: $50.00

JL: I like that she wants to see a photo of the vehicle, but not one of the guy who will be driving it. Like, what if she's 25 and some 90 year old dude with white hair drives up in a Corvette? That's not going to make this guy jealous if that's what she's going for. He'll just think she's talking to her grandpa who happens to drive a cool car. I get what she's going for here, but I think her plan needs more refinement.

SJ: So she'll be standing IN the street. Literally...IN the street. Isn't that dangerous? Oh well, at least she's a non-smoker and cares about other people not smoking. That's good...I guess. But I kind of want to slap her around a little for caring so much about cars. Or a man who cares that much about cars. Cars are dumb. Just get one that will go. And won't break down. Done and done. Save money for more interesting things like quality cuts of meat. I love good meat. Like a really excellent ribeye steak. Yum.

My ad would totally read: Wanted, MAN with yummy 12 oz ribeye. You must stand outside my house holding the ribeye. I will be in the street. We will talk and marinate the ribeye together. Compensation: I will grill your ribeye and maybe let you eat some of it. The end.

Thanks for tuning in to this installment of ZIT. We'll be back soon. For real. Soon.

Julie and Stacey