Monday, March 8, 2010

Oscars Fashion: Nude is the new nude

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards. We tuned in. We saw dresses. Now we snark on dresses.

Charlize Theron

Julie: I think we're all looking at the same thing here . . .
that bracelet is fabulous. You hardly notice her lilac rose boobs at all.

Stacey: Rose boobs? What? What are you.... Oh, yeah, I see it now. You're totally right. No, it's not that noticeable, not like a rose plant is feeling her up from behind at all. At all.

Meryl Streep

Julie: I adore Meryl Streep, but Sharon Stone really had it right when she said she frequently looks "like an unmade bed." BUT I thought she looked great here.

Stacey: I adore the Streep too. I love her attitude. It's the perfect mix of genuine sweetness and I-don't-give-a-crap-what-you-think. Perfect. And I like this dress too. Very classy, sexy, yet age appropriate.

Sigourney Weaver

Julie: Sigourney Weaver scares me. Always. I don't think I ever recovered from seeing Alien. Or maybe it was being forced to sit through 2 excruciating hours of Gorillas in the Mist during 8th grade history. Or maybe it's because her name is "Sigourney." I can't critique her dress. Every time I look at her all I see is that Alien slobbering everywhere.

Stacey: She doesn't scare me at all. I love her, but I was going to say this look was very blood-soaked toga. It got me in the mood to make a virgin sacrifice or something. Not that I make virgin sacrifices on a regular basis....or ever...but....yeah....

Kate Winslet

Julie: This dress is very silver and . . . um, silver. She looks nice, but I still haven't forgiven her for enticing me to go see The Reader, which made me feel like a total pervert because she's naked with, like, a 16 year old boy. And he's naked too. Like, really naked. And I didn't need to see that Kate Winslet. Next time you want to get naked with a boy who is way too young for both of us, call Taylor Lautner, okay?

Stacey: I missed that movie. The previews looked depressing and I avoid depressing movies, they mess with my delicate serotonin levels or something. But I was troubled by this dress. She looks like a statue, or a robot. I was worried this might be the Kate Winslet clone, not the actual article.

Sandra Bullock

Julie: This is the best I have ever seen Sandra Bullock look. On E! they were saying that the top looks like an ice skating costume, which is probably why I like it, lol. I have very blingy taste.

Except this pic doesn't really capture the full effect of the sparkle. It looked way more gold and sparkly on TV. And omg, as I'm typing this Tyra Banks is previewing the upcoming guests for her talk show--"women with two vaginas." Seriously, Tyra?? Does America really need to know this stuff?

Stacey: *struggles to recover from random vagina commentary, slurps some more coffee, takes a deep breath...slurps more coffee*

Yes, Bullock was looking fabulous. I liked the sparkle too. I don't believe there is such a thing as too much sparkle on a dressy night. Heck, she could have taken it a step further, added a tiara to the mix, and called herself the Queen of Awards season. Maybe knighted some people at the after party.

Demi Moore

Julie: On stage I thought she looked really good, but this pic is troublesome. Does anyone else see the multiple pairs of nude pantyhose wrapped around her torso?

Stacey: I just thought she was naked. What was with all the nude-colored dresses? I'm not down with human camouflage. I would have liked this in a slightly different color.

Anna Kendrick

Julie: Jinkies! Someone who is as pale and ghostly as me!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but the
proof is right there in a nude pink dress and blindingly white skin. I feel a kinship to her.

I don't have the heart to tell her she should have worn a color.

Stacey: More naked people! Ahhhhhh!!!

Diane Kruger

Julie: One word: hideous.

Stacey: Five words: Naked trend + dead crow = Blechk

Cameron Diaz

Julie: This pic is like Sandy's (because I'm on a nickname basis with Sandra Bullock. In my mind)--the gold and sparkliness doesn't show up. Because of my love for all things shiny, I think she looks good. Perhaps I was a magpie in another life?

Stacey: I think you were a magpie. I also like the dress--because I was a cat in my last life--but I would have liked it better in another color. She looks a little too much like a gold Barbie.

Julie: Girl whose name I forgot and am too tired to look up but I'm pretty sure she's on Big Love.
(Stacey: Amanda something, definitely on Big Love.)

Julie: This material reminds me of textured toilet paper. Or maybe it's paper towels I'm thinking of? Some kind of textured paper product.

Stacey: It's reminiscent of a polyester Holly Hobby dress my mom made me wear as a toddler. It doesn't look like it breathes. Maybe that's why she's so pale...she can't breathe! *gasp*

Kristen Stewart

Julie: A little old for her, I think, although the black goes nicely with her I-really-don't-want-to-be-here-this-sucks vibe. Or is it navy blue? Now I'm thinking it looks kind of navy blue. Shockingly, she didn't trip when she presented, although she coughed awkwardly. I feel a kinship with her too. Like when she dropped her statue-thingie at the MTV awards--that's exactly what would happen to me if I was a famous movie star. I'd drop stuff on stage and trip and just generally embarrass myself.

Stacey: Yeah, I actually love this dreass, but I sort of want to slap her arms down and tell her to stand up and be normal, but I feel her awkward pain too much. I could never handle that much scrutiny and attention--especially so young. I'd be a mass of symptoms and probably pee myself on the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez

Julie: More toilet paper! Were they afraid the bathrooms would run out or something?

Stacey: I heard the after parties are always low on TP, so you could be right. I'm NOT loving the side-bustle action either. It looks like she has a growth on one hip.

Julie: Maggie Gyllenhall (Possibly misspelled her last name but am too lazy to look that up too)
Stacey: No, I think that's right. (But I'm also too lazy to look it up this morning. I've got stuff to do, man. Like drink coffee and feed the baby cereal. Maggie would understand. She's a mom.)

Julie: I'm pretty sure I saw this dress at Cache.

Stacey: This is a nightmare, jungle-scene-at-night-in-the-80's, print, but I don't care. I have a huge girl-crush on Mags (we're on a nickname basis like you and Sandy) and I think she's a brilliant actress and totes should have won last night. So, yeah. Basically she can do no wrong. I love her in weird blue jungle print, I love her weird, cute, little, puppy-doggish face. She's awesome.

Nicole Richie

Julie: What. the. hell. She looks like Elvira.

Stacey: She does. Or a scary 1970's couch. Just looking at that fabric makes me itch.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Julie: I love her so I feel mean commenting on her hideous dress or the fact that her hair looked like she'd slept on it for about two days--did you see all the flyaways, flying around all over the place when she was on stage?

Stacey: I like her too, but yeah...not feeling that odd yellowish color and the hair was a mess. But, as the Mistress of Flyaways, I'm in no place to judge. You could spray a can of hairspray on my hair and the whispies would still find a way to fight free.

Julie: Chick from Up in the Air whose name reminds me of Veal Parmesean
Stacey: Yeah...I have no clue. I didn't see this movie because I don't like Clooney. Never have. He rubs me the wrong way.

Julie: This is a nice color, but it reminds me of a ruffled bedskirt or curtains or something. Or maybe I'm just jealous because she got to sleep with George Clooney on camera.

Stacey: Narf. She can have Clooney--on camera or anywhere else--but I have to agree, this dress is like a polyster orchid and a dish of shell soap had a baby. And it came out as a dress....or something...(I really need more coffee.)

Zoe Saldana

Julie: I don't know why, but this dress makes me think of a snowcone. What does that mean?

Stacey: It makes me think of plastic leis, the kind you get at a backyard luau. Not good. Not good at all. But a snowcone sounds good. I can't wait until summer. And sun! Are we done with this commentary yet?

Yes! It looks like we are! Tune in next time for some Beach Read recommendations. It's almost Spring Break, people. Whee!!!

Stacey and Julie out


  1. Stacey, have you seen the "Tears of a Clooney" episode of American Dad!? Hilarious! Clooney totally spoke over Francine in a film, so Francine and Stan plot to kill Clooney. Or at least break his heart. It's so awesome :-) Clooney looked kinda drunk last night - not cool, y'all!

  2. No way! That sounds awesome. I'm going to hulu that after I type this. And yeah...I just don't find the Clooney awesome ever. I've got a loathing thing going on with him that I just can't shake. I have similar issues with Tom Cruise.


  3. Oh I love your blog!!! I love the title... and I love you for showing off the Oscars! I love Sandra Bullock! I'm so happy she won!

    I look forward to future posts!

  4. I agree the one does look like a snowcone! Although I like the pink ones best!

    And as for my fav dress I think it would have to be Cameron Diaz' dress. I could wear that dress...trouble is I have nothing to go to here in the midwest where it would fit in! :-(

  5. At last, another woman who identifies with my Clooney-Cruise issues. I have always been slightly baffled by their sex appeal, and (the villagers will probably storm the castle gates with torches and pitchforks for saying this) my strange abhorrence for Clooney-Cruise and their filmography extends to Brad Pitt. There. I said it. I'll go Brew some coffee and wait for the irate villagers now ...

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