Saturday, January 30, 2010

Roast of Stacey Jay Age 2-19

People! I, Julie, have an important announcement! Stacey's 2nd young adult novel, UNDEAD MUCH, has just hit bookstores! Have you seen its adorable cover on the side of the blog? It looks like this:

And a preview of its awesomeness looks like this:

Q: How many guys does it take to make your boyfriend wild with jealousy?
A: Only one, if he's UNDEAD.

Megan Berry had a perfectly average new-sundress-and-boy-obsessed life--until her power to settle the Undead returned. Oh, and then her best friend tried to kill her--and ruin homecoming--with a bunch of black magically raised zombies. At least she got a spot on the pom squad and a smokin' boyfriend (Ethan). But now Megan is in deep fertilizer all over again.

Why? Well, let's see...

· Feral new super-strong zombies? Check.

· Cheerleader vs. pom squad turf war threatening half time as they know it? Check.

· An Undead psychic hottie (Cliff) who's predicting a zombie apocalypse--and doing his best to tempt Megan away from Ethan? Yum. I mean, Check.

· Earth-shattering secrets that could land Megan in Settler prison for life? Um, IT WASN'T ME!!!

Everyone thinks Megan's at fault for the new uber-zombie uprising. Looks like she'll need the help of both Cliff and Ethan if she's going to prove her innocence before it's too late...

To honor this this occasion, I thought it might be nice for everyone to get to know Stacey a little bit better and she has stupidly--er, I mean, graciously provided me with some childhood photos, which I will now proceed to mock mercilessly. Because that's how we build intimacy here at ZIT, by making fun of each other. If anyone would like to send their childhood pics, feel free. We'd be happy to make fun of you too.


So cute!! Look at her little toes! And her big blue eyes! She was so adorable. At first.

Fortunately, Stacey's parents were able to save up enough money for the operation to correct the giant clown mouth that dominated her face by age 3. Her pipe habit was eventually broken with the help of hypnosis. Sadly, the hobby horse succumbed to the temptation of the liquor bottles constantly hovering over his head and became a raging alcoholic. He will be eligible for parole in 2015.

Freed of the giant clown mouth, Stacey left home and joined a band of roving fairies.

However, a magic unicorn and strange, phallic-shaped balloons soon led her back to the place of her birth.

Once home, she embarked on a rigorous course of study and quickly mastered the Art of Awkward Hand Gestures

. . . well as the Art of Monochromatic Dressing and Big Hair.

By the time she reached her teens, she had mastered the Art of Really, Really Big Hair, which caused her to acquire a host of female enemies who wished to steal this magic for themselves.

Heeding the old adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Stacey defeated these evil females through a lethal combination of inappropriate holding and replacing their heads with black squares.

To celebrate her victory, Stacey performed a lyrical dance in that most sacred of places--the parking lot.

(Stacey aside: That's actually miniature golf course. The only place for lyrical dancing, lol.)

Tired of mousse and hair picks, Stacey chopped off her locks and headed west where she began a new life as a spokesmodel for chain-link fences.

And then she wrote an awesome book called UNDEAD MUCH, which everyone should go out and buy because it's awesome. Did I mention that it's awesome? For real. So go buy it. Now. Or I'll have Stacey show me how to replace your head with a black square.



(Stacey: Hope you all will still read my book after learning the tragic history of my clown mouth syndrome and awkward hand-gesture-itis.)

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