Seriously??

First off, apologies on not blogging in such a long while. We've been busy doing important, summer-related things. Like swimming and eating snowcones and--okay, never mind what we've been doing. The important thing is that we're back. :)

So. We were discussing what to blog about and Stacey came up with the idea to do Weird Summer Festivals/Beauty Pageants. And I was like "Yeah! Let's do that!" Because I thought it would be really fun and probably fairly easy.

Yeah--not. So not.

(SJ: Sorry, man. I have ideas and then I make you do the work. Next time I promise to do the hunting and googling. But you did great work here. I think you deserve a promotion of some kind.)

Because as it turns out, there is a LOT of freaky stuff going on out in the world, people. It was practically impossible to narrow it down to just one post.

For instance, in Prairie du Sac, Wisconsin they have . . .

The Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw!!!

And they aren't throwing Doritos. They're chucking wedges of 100% authentic cow poop. Last year the top scoring contestant tossed his cow poop over 172 feet.

Did I mention that you can't wear gloves?

Throwing poop competitively is an, er, unusual summer activity (unless you're a monkey), but compared to this next festival it looks positively mundane--

The Fiesta of Near Death Experiences

Every year people who have almost died make a pligrimage to Las Nieves, Spain where they GO TO CHURCH IN A COFFIN. THAT'S HELD ALOFT BY MEMBERS OF THEIR FAMILY. I'm not even making this up. At some point, they each get up and tell their almost-death story and then they all go outside and have fireworks, carnival food, and general merriment.

This festival raises all sorts of questions. Like, where do these people get the coffins? Did they just happen to have a coffin lying around the house, or did they have one specially made, or what? And how do they decide what to wear? Fashion mags rarely discuss the appropriate attire for attending church in a coffin when you used to be dead except now you aren't. And the most burning question--how the hell do they get their families to agree to carry their not-dead asses around in a coffin for an entire day?? My sisters won't even let me borrow their shoes. No way are they hauling me around in a coffin, even if I WAS dead. I'd have to put my coffin on wheels and hitch it up to a donkey.

Except I don't have a donkey. Or a coffin. See? All kinds of questions . . .

Anyway, brace yourselves because this next pic is hands down one of the Top 5 Most Disturbing Things I've Ever Seen in My Life. (Also see pic at very top of this post)

In Castillo de Murcia, Spain, they have A BABY JUMPING FESTIVAL.

Let me say that one more time. A. Baby. Jumping. Festival. As in, they literally JUMP OVER BABIES.

But wait. It gets better. Not only do they jump over the babies, they do it while wearing scary, Circus clown/Elvis type costumes and wielding whips and truncheons. This is for the babies own good, as it cleanses them of evil. I don't know about you, but I think the evilness of babies is a plague that has been overlooked for too long. The way they just sit in those cute little carriers, swaddled in soft blankets, blinking big, innocent eyes at the world. You know they have to be up to something.

(SJ: Total aside, but that made me spit coffee. You are funny, Linker.)

I have some questions about this festival too. First, do they steal these babies or do parents actually consent to this? And if they consent, what kind of crack are they smoking? Who puts their helpless baby on a mattress so a scary dude in a Halloween costume can jump over it? I mean, seriously--that's the kind of childhood trauma that keeps therapists in business.

But I don't know. It's been a while since I had a baby. Stacey, what do you think? Would you let a freak dude jump over Logan to cleanse him of evil?

SJ: No way in hell. My baby is made of sunshine, not evil. Now if the dude could jump over him and his teeth would magically come in (instead of painfully breaking through the surface causing days of weeping and wailing)....well...that might be something I'd consider.

The true test of a good sense of humor is your ability to make fun of yourself, so as Arkansans we're going to go ahead and own up to a little piece of freakiness that takes place right in our own backyard.

The Miss Drumsticks Pageant!!

Yellville, Arkansas, located in the Ozark mountains, is home to the annual Turkey Trot Festival.

Which technically happens in October, not the summer, but since it's in our home state we're going to exercise our executive blogging powers and include it anyway.

Contestants in Miss Drumsticks are judged on their legs ONLY. Their faces and bodies are hidden behind a picture of a giant turkey. There's no talent portion, evening gown division, or onstage question. Just the gams. This is not to be confused with the Ms. Mosquito Legs contest, which takes place in Texas. Drumsticks legs and mosquito legs are two completely different things.

And I'm going to go ahead and say it: An Arkansas Drumstick Queen can kick a Texas Mosquito Leg Queen's butt any day of the week. In fact, maybe that should be a new festival. Turkey's vs. Mosquitoes. It needs a catchier name, though. Any ideas?

SJ: Not really, but Drumstick Queen sounds much cooler. Mosquito legs are so skinny and shapeless. And they've got six of them. Maybe this festival in Texas is near some sort of nuclear facility?

Until next time!

xo

Stacey and Julie

Sunburns: The fastest way to old age and general hideousness.

As summer is now upon us, ZIT would like to take this opportunity to talk about a very important subject: Hugh Jackman running naked across a field in the new Wolverine--er, I mean sunscreen. May is skin cancer awareness month, so we cruised around the Skin Cancer Foundation website and learned lots of scary facts. For example, did you know--

1) 1 in 5 Americans will develop skin cancer over the course of their life.

2) A person dies of melanoma every 62 minutes.

3) The International Agency for Research on Cancer recently unequivocally linked sunbed tanning among young people to melanoma. As in, people who start going to the tanning beds in their teens/early twenties have a 75 percent higher chance of developing melanoma. (Melanoma is an awful, awful type of skin cancer that can cause death if it isn't caught early.)

4) Up to 90 percent of the visible signs of aging are caused by sun exposure.

5) Less than half of all teenagers wear sunscreen and more and more teens (especially girls) are using tanning beds.

We could go on, (and on and on and on) but let's get real--those kinds of lists generally just make people's eyes glaze over. So we will demonstrate with pictures!


JL: No wonder teens think tanning is cool when people like Kim Kardashian (aka "Raccoon girl") are posting this sort of pic.

SJ: But does anyone really think this girl is cool? Who is she really? I'm still confused. She has a reality show for some reason, right? But...why? Because she's rich? Color me unimpressed, Raccoon girl.


JL: What they don't realize is that THIS is what KK will look like in a few years. (If this pic doesn't make you go out and buy a gallon jug of sunscreen then there's no help for you. At all.)

SJ: Is that even real?! You are frackin' kiddin' me! It's CGI. I can't believe that's real. Gotta be good CGI.


JL: This chick is proof that the whole "everybody looks better with a tan" theory is uh, not true. So not true. I don't know whether to laugh or be scared.

SJ: She almost looks like she's wearing black face. Surely not... Though those boots do show a decided lack of taste.


JL: Is it just me, or does it look like this guy was wearing . . . Mary Janes? (Don't forget to slather up your feet!)

SJ: Lol. He does. (And yes. Feet burns HURT. Ouch. Who knew a baby toe could suffer so?)


JL: For the record, sunburns aren't funny, but . . . well, hahahahahahahahahaha

SJ: Do you think he consented to that? Or slept through it?


JL: This Australian guy actually had to have SURGERY for his sunburn. Seriously? THIS GUY couldn't find one, single girl in all of Australia willing to rub sunblock on his shoulders? I don't know what to say about that.

SJ: That's harsh. Like the sun is harsh. So remember, stay out of the sun or protect yourself from it's evil (yet awesome) rays.


xo
Julie and Stacey

It's Be Kind to Animals Week

In honor of Be Kind to Animals Week, some animals in tiaras:



SJ: I would usually consider this animal cruelty, but the cats seem to dig the tiara action.

JL: I don't even want to know where you found these pictures. Does the cat on the left's tiara resemble a jester hat, or is it just me? This is definitely not animal cruelty. Cats were born to wear tiaras. It's the Egyptians' fault. They had that whole worshiping-them-as-gods thing going on and the feline species never got over it.



SJ: This guy too. Not even bulldogs can fight the power of the sparkling headpiece.

JL: A sparkling, FUZZY headpiece. A cat would never stand for this.

SJ: I swear, this pig is giving the camera a come-hither look. The magic of the tiara strikes again.

JL: "Siren pigs--how swine flu was first transmitted to humans."

SJ: Snarf!!! Lol!!

And let's not forget about those zombie animals!!



SJ: This really really freaks me out. A lot. Like....a whole lot.

JL: Do you have to be nice to animals that look like they might kill you?



SJ: I'm not sure that cat is after brains, but...yeah...I could just have a filthy mind.

JL: Clearly the orange cat is merely removing a piece of fuzz from the black and white cat's fur, that's all. I don't know what you're talking about.

SJ: More snarf!!



SJ: God! Scary zombie sheep. I'm going to have nightmares. I should have put the animals in tiaras last.

JL: I don't think a tiara would help in this case. I'm already having nightmares and I'm awake. What do you think he's whispering in that guy's ear . . .

SJ: "I'm going to shave your head and make a scarf and wear it while I eat your brains!!!" Or something like that...

Until next time!

Stacey and Julie

This Little Piggy Went to Prada

I wish I could take credit for the post title, but alas--that bit of cleverness is actually the name of a book by Amy Allen and Eun-kyung Kang. They've taken old-fashioned nursery rhymes and revamped them into a hilarious book with cool illustrations.

Which has nothing to do with anything except that a) I have to go to a baby shower on Thursday so I have cute baby gifts on the brain and b) it kind of, sort of, (not really) ties in with a subject Stacey and I have been talking about recently--"Baby Style."

Baby Style is simply the way you dress your baby/toddler/kid. Back in the olden days, there was no such thing. Cavemen kids wore animal skins; pioneer children dressed in burlap; 1970s and 80's kids were held hostage by maniacal cartoon animals known as Garanimals. This was not parental negligence, just a lack of options.

*Stacey breaking in here to say I have no idea what Garanimals are. I am so young and nubile and do not remember the 70's or early 80's *bats young and nubile eyelashes*

Now that's all changed. Today's babies/toddlers have as many fashion choices as adults. More, if you count accessories like pacifiers,



burp cloths (zebra stripe or cammo pattern?) disposable diapers (Elmo print or Mickey Mouse?), etc.

Of course, the poor hapless babies don't actually get to decide these things since they generally lack both credit cards and the ability to operate a motor vehicle. It's the Mommies (and sometimes Daddies), who buy this stuff. So "Baby Style" is really "Mommy Style." And that's where things can get tricky. Because Mom's don't necessarily dress their kids the way you would expect. But then again, sometimes they do. It's a very inexact science.

And now for our sparkling commentary . . .

Stacey: This is kind of cute, but a little rastah soccer bum.

Julie: It's the cap. The rest of it's cute, though. Of course, Gwen Stefani could dress her kids in plastic bags sewn together with hair and it would probably somehow look cool.

Julie: I'm pretty sure this qualifies as child abuse in some parts of the world.

Stacey: I think most Arkansan men would consider that outfit grounds to pull out a gun and shoot something.

Stacey: This might make me pull out a gun and shoot something. There's no need to go Bubba at such a tender age.

Julie: Hey! That's my nephew! Lucky for you my family doesn't love me--er, I mean, are too busy to read my blogs. Because I'm pretty sure he could kick your *&$, even though he's two. :)

Stacey: Oops...heh heh....um...prank call!!!

Stacey: My eyeeeesss! The yellow, it blinds us!!!

Julie: Ha, ha, ha--this is cracking me up. I chose this pic because it reminds me of how I used to dress A when she was that age. Especially the bow. LOVE bows. The bigger, the better. I still make her wear them. (A being my 10 yr old daughter who I can't post photos of due to hyper-paranoia and too many episodes of Forensic Files/ColdCase Files/American Justice)

Stacey: I'm never doing commentary first. Ever. Again. I have footinmouthitis.

Stacey: If you want to get that prison-fabulous thing going early.

Julie: Does it come with a miniature guitar? Because that would be cool.



Stacey: Omg. Really. Skull and crossbones for baby? Isn't this a little goth-tastic? (Okay, so I'm lying. I LOVE this and would totally dress my baby in it if he were a girl. Look at the preshush little bow on her skull head!!)

Julie: I love this too! Of course, I would have to pair it with a matching skull hair bow.

Stacey: LOL!

Stacey: And I like this too. Monkey from Wizard of Oz! Brilliant....Um...and somewhere along the way I think I got distracted from the point. But then, I am the woman who spent Easter dressing her baby up as a chicken:



Stacey: I had the chicken outfit and it was too rainy to hunt eggs outside and...yeah...I think I may have a problem...

Julie: OMG, you didn't.

Except you totally did. Although he does look adorable . . . do we even want to know why you just happened to have a chicken outfit laying around your house? LOVE the flying monkey.

Until next time!

xo

Stacey and Julie

Fashion Horrors: The Mankini

WARNING: The following blog entry is not suitable for anyone and should not be viewed if you value your eyesite and whatever you ate for your last meal.



Stacey: Borat may or may not have started this fashion trend. Regardless, it has to stop. Before anymore innocent spandex is victimized or the eyes and souls of unsuspecting young women scarred forever.

Julie: I agree 100%. There is evil in our midst, people. And its name is [cue dramatic music] MANKINI.

Stacey: Cute women do NOT make this cool

Julie: She's touching him, she's touching him!! Her hand is right on his chest. I just threw up

a little in my mouth.



Stacey: Mankini-ing for a cause does not make this cool. (This guy did it for the polar bear plunge in New Zealand, in order to raise money for the special olympics. It's still not cool! No one-special or otherwise-wants to be linked to this mankini-strosity.)

Julie: Okay. Well, this answers my question about whether it looks better on guys with less body hair. Absolutely freaking not. I do appreciate his effort with the matching headband, though.

Stacey: Accessories are important.



Stacey: It is not appropriate for rugby games and is not a good way to show off your tattoos.

Julie: I'm scared if I comment, this guy will hunt me down and kill me.



Stacey: It doesn't add that certain something to your marathon wear.

Julie: Oh, man. I feel sorry for whoever had to run behind HIM.



Stacey: The beer is blushing, but there is nowhere to hide its shame. There is nowhere to hide from the mankini!! (Camping? Really? This guy thought Mankini was good camping attire?)

Julie: I like that he accesorized his mankini with what appears to be my grandmother's gold choker necklace. Although I can't get a very close look on this monitor . . . he could have also stolen it from an Egyptian mummy. Or a pimp.

Camping attire--perhaps he thought this would be a good way to keep wild animals away from his campsite?

Stacey: If I were a wild animal I would be scared.



Stacey: This may be the only suitable way to model the kini of manliness, but my eyes are still bleeding a little bit. How about you Julie?

Julie: Yeah . . . even with the clothing I still feel like I just lost a little piece of my soul I'll never get back.

Julie: So far this is the only instance of mankini that doesn't make me want to throw acid in my eyes. It's pretty hilarious, actually. Although technically I guess it's Jenny McCarthy's bikini , not a "real" mankini.

DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home unless you are--well,Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey is the ONLY person who can get away with this.

Stacey: Amen. (Though my hubs looks pretty cute in my underwear...just kidding! Heh!)

Until next time!

Julie and Stacey

Interview with author Kate Perry!

ZIT is excited to welcome Kate Perry for our very first author interview! In addition to being a kick-butt author, Kate is a 7th degree black belt in Kung Fu, which means she kicks butt literally too. She's also a crack mechanic who, when your car tire blows out on the interstate leaving Dallas, jumps out and immediately starts wielding a tire iron and doing complicated stuff with tools instead of calling your husband and crying pitifully until he figures out how to get somebody to help you, even though he's five hours away (my plan). Additionally, Kate exudes a strange mix of pheremones that causes random men to ask her out (I'm totally not making this up) roughly ten times a day. Maybe more.

But enough of Kate's personal life--we're here to talk about her books! Namely, Marked by Passion, the first book in her awesome Guardians of Destiny series. Check out the (yummy)cover and blurb below.

Rules for the (Very) Reluctant Guardian of the Scroll

One: Don't lose the artifact you've inherited from your ancestors—no matter how much it starts messing up your life.

Two: Do learn how to control its powers. (And, yes, that means putting up with uber-complicated Guardian lessons from your father's meddling ghost.)

Three: Don't trust anyone. Especially Rhys, the mysterious bad boy who's always one step ahead of you... and irresistible as sin.

Four: Do anything to keep the scroll from landing in the wrong hands—and destroying the world. Even if that brings on a heartbreaking betrayal, an evil you never saw coming, and a choice you may not live to regret.

And now we ask Kate the hard-hitting questions (watch out Barbara Walters)

ZIT: Have you always wanted to be a writer?
KP: No, I always wanted to be a gypsy. I was going to have my own cute little purple and red wagon with a bull named Philippe pulling it. But when I realized there'd be no plumbing, I thought I might prefer to be an ambassador to a foreign country. Get paid to schmooze and party in fancy clothes? Heck yeah. But now I get paid to hang out in cafés in my pajamas, which is almost just as cool.

ZIT: Is it true that you can kill a man with your pinkie finger?
KP: Yeah, but it's much more satisfying to use a skyscraper heel.

ZIT:Are you familiar with the recent zombie vs. unicorn debate? If so, who do you side with--zombies or unicorns?
KP: I try to keep up on current events, so, yeah, I've been tracking the debate. However, personally, I find it difficult to take sides. Can't we all just get along?

But it seems to me that zombies have gotten a bad rep. Just because they have rotting teeth and poor hygiene doesn't make them second class citizens.


ZIT: How many random men have asked you out in the past week?
KP:Was I supposed to keep track?

ZIT:Cupcake or pie?
KP:Both. Please. Unless it's a cream pie. Gag. Fruit pies are the only way to go.

ZIT:All-time best James Bond?
KP:Sean Connery. Duh. Though Daniel Craig is a very close second.

ZIT:Are you and "I-kissed-a-girl" Katy Perry really twins who were separated at birth?
KP:I've wondered if we're sisters too. Did you know we even have the same bra size? I'm not joking. I'm tempted to ask my mom if there was a mix up at the hospital or if I'm adopted. Which would make a lot of sense, actually, considering how different I am from my "family."

Click here to learn more about Kate and here to read an exercept of Marked!

See you next week! xo

Julie and Stacey

Working the ZIT dress

As promised, this week we're sharing tips on how to look fabulous in your very own ZIT dress!! It's so easy! By following just two simple rules, you can wear your undead fashion for anything from running out to the grocery store to elegant black tie affairs.

Rule Number One: When wearing a ZIT dress it is imperative that you channel your inner zombie.

And what does channeling your inner zombie entail, you ask?Consider this-- When zombies claw their way out of their cozy coffins and stagger around terrorizing innocent townspeople, do they seem at all self-conscious about little things like their decaying flesh, or worm-infested eyes, or putrid aroma?

No way! They OWN their rotting corpses. They're not secretly worrying about whether their disintegrating funeral shroud makes their butt look big while they're sucking somebody's brains out. They're in the moment. And that's what you have to do when wearing a ZIT dress--own it! Don't worry about what the innocent townspeople are saying behind your back.

Rule Number Two: Pretend you are a beauty queen.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I don't mean run out and slather heorrhoid cream under your eyes and duct tape your boobs together (although if either of those two things sound appealing to you, go for it). I'm talking about projecting a beauty queen's attitude. It's similar to channeling your inner zombie except with less blood and guts and more Aqua Net. Because channeling your inner zombie requires a certain amount of "screw off" attitude, which can be off-putting if not tempered by a little dose of happy-happy sweetness.

That's where your secret beauty queen comes in. Don't try to pretend you don't have one. You do. I promise. So when wearing your ZIT dress, take it out, throw your shoulders back, smile big, and flounce around like Miss America. (A sparkly tiara helps too)Otherwise, you're likely to come off as angry-creepy-goth girl, and that's no fun. Unless, of course, you want to be angry-creepy-goth girl, but that's an entirely different blog subject.

Perfect Example: Miley Cyrus (aka "the bane of my existence because I have a 10 year old daughter") Miley demonstrates a fabulous blend of inner zombie and inner beauty queen in this frothy violet concoction.

So, don't wait for Halloween, people! Break out those hacked up gowns now! Hmmn, Stacey, that gives me an idea . . . perhaps we should arrange a ZIT photo contest of some sort??