Zombies in Tiaras

Book review

2010-05-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

Shhhh, don't tell Stacey--it's me, Julie, hijacking the blog. It's probably not nice to highjack the blog from your critique partner, but I can't help it. I MUST express my fangirl love for Stacey's latest book, My So-Called Death because it's SO FREAKING HILARIOUS.

I know, I know. You probably think I'm just saying that because she's the zombie to my tiara, but I'm not!! Really. I'm not that nice. Plus, I had an independent expert review the book and she agrees with me.

Transcript of text messages between me and independent expert:

Me: What up?

Expert: Y r u texting me?

Me: I can't text my own daughter?

Expert: No

Me: What r u doing?

Expert: Mommy stop trying to act cool

Me: Abigail texts u

Expert: Abigail is my age 11
Expert: Plus u r sitting on couch next 2 me
Expert: And u type slow

Me: did u like Stacey's book?

Expert: Duh, it has dead people in it

Me: U like it bc there r dead people?

Expert: the dead people r funny. like sarcastic and stuff.
Expert: it only took me 1 day 2 finish

Me: Do u want to write a review of it for our blog?

Expert: use 4 not for

Me: I'll think about it

Expert: Did u know daddy can't make smiley face?

Me: daddy is text challenged.

Me: So?? Do u want 2 write review?

Expert: like a book report?

Me: sort of, not really. u just tell what u like about it and y.

Expert: how is that not like book report?

Me: um ... well, u dont have to draw a picture

Expert: no thanks
Expert: but tell stacey she writes really good dead people

Me: great. she'll b thrilled i'm sure

Oscars Fashion: Nude is the new nude

2010-03-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards. We tuned in. We saw dresses. Now we snark on dresses.

Charlize Theron

Julie: I think we're all looking at the same thing here . . .
that bracelet is fabulous. You hardly notice her lilac rose boobs at all.

Stacey: Rose boobs? What? What are you.... Oh, yeah, I see it now. You're totally right. No, it's not that noticeable, not like a rose plant is feeling her up from behind at all. At all.

Meryl Streep

Julie: I adore Meryl Streep, but Sharon Stone really had it right when she said she frequently looks "like an unmade bed." BUT I thought she looked great here.

Stacey: I adore the Streep too. I love her attitude. It's the perfect mix of genuine sweetness and I-don't-give-a-crap-what-you-think. Perfect. And I like this dress too. Very classy, sexy, yet age appropriate.

Sigourney Weaver

Julie: Sigourney Weaver scares me. Always. I don't think I ever recovered from seeing Alien. Or maybe it was being forced to sit through 2 excruciating hours of Gorillas in the Mist during 8th grade history. Or maybe it's because her name is "Sigourney." I can't critique her dress. Every time I look at her all I see is that Alien slobbering everywhere.

Stacey: She doesn't scare me at all. I love her, but I was going to say this look was very blood-soaked toga. It got me in the mood to make a virgin sacrifice or something. Not that I make virgin sacrifices on a regular basis....or ever...but....yeah....

Kate Winslet

Julie: This dress is very silver and . . . um, silver. She looks nice, but I still haven't forgiven her for enticing me to go see The Reader, which made me feel like a total pervert because she's naked with, like, a 16 year old boy. And he's naked too. Like, really naked. And I didn't need to see that Kate Winslet. Next time you want to get naked with a boy who is way too young for both of us, call Taylor Lautner, okay?

Stacey: I missed that movie. The previews looked depressing and I avoid depressing movies, they mess with my delicate serotonin levels or something. But I was troubled by this dress. She looks like a statue, or a robot. I was worried this might be the Kate Winslet clone, not the actual article.

Sandra Bullock

Julie: This is the best I have ever seen Sandra Bullock look. On E! they were saying that the top looks like an ice skating costume, which is probably why I like it, lol. I have very blingy taste.

Except this pic doesn't really capture the full effect of the sparkle. It looked way more gold and sparkly on TV. And omg, as I'm typing this Tyra Banks is previewing the upcoming guests for her talk show--"women with two vaginas." Seriously, Tyra?? Does America really need to know this stuff?

Stacey: *struggles to recover from random vagina commentary, slurps some more coffee, takes a deep breath...slurps more coffee*

Yes, Bullock was looking fabulous. I liked the sparkle too. I don't believe there is such a thing as too much sparkle on a dressy night. Heck, she could have taken it a step further, added a tiara to the mix, and called herself the Queen of Awards season. Maybe knighted some people at the after party.

Demi Moore

Julie: On stage I thought she looked really good, but this pic is troublesome. Does anyone else see the multiple pairs of nude pantyhose wrapped around her torso?

Stacey: I just thought she was naked. What was with all the nude-colored dresses? I'm not down with human camouflage. I would have liked this in a slightly different color.

Anna Kendrick

Julie: Jinkies! Someone who is as pale and ghostly as me!!!! I didn't think it was possible, but the

proof is right there in a nude pink dress and blindingly white skin. I feel a kinship to her.

I don't have the heart to tell her she should have worn a color.

Stacey: More naked people! Ahhhhhh!!!

Diane Kruger

Julie: One word: hideous.

Stacey: Five words: Naked trend + dead crow = Blechk

Cameron Diaz

Julie: This pic is like Sandy's (because I'm on a nickname basis with Sandra Bullock. In my mind)--the gold and sparkliness doesn't show up. Because of my love for all things shiny, I think she looks good. Perhaps I was a magpie in another life?

Stacey: I think you were a magpie. I also like the dress--because I was a cat in my last life--but I would have liked it better in another color. She looks a little too much like a gold Barbie.

Julie: Girl whose name I forgot and am too tired to look up but I'm pretty sure she's on Big Love.
(Stacey: Amanda something, definitely on Big Love.)

Julie: This material reminds me of textured toilet paper. Or maybe it's paper towels I'm thinking of? Some kind of textured paper product.

Stacey: It's reminiscent of a polyester Holly Hobby dress my mom made me wear as a toddler. It doesn't look like it breathes. Maybe that's why she's so pale...she can't breathe! *gasp*

Kristen Stewart

Julie: A little old for her, I think, although the black goes nicely with her I-really-don't-want-to-be-here-this-sucks vibe. Or is it navy blue? Now I'm thinking it looks kind of navy blue. Shockingly, she didn't trip when she presented, although she coughed awkwardly. I feel a kinship with her too. Like when she dropped her statue-thingie at the MTV awards--that's exactly what would happen to me if I was a famous movie star. I'd drop stuff on stage and trip and just generally embarrass myself.

Stacey: Yeah, I actually love this dreass, but I sort of want to slap her arms down and tell her to stand up and be normal, but I feel her awkward pain too much. I could never handle that much scrutiny and attention--especially so young. I'd be a mass of symptoms and probably pee myself on the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez

Julie: More toilet paper! Were they afraid the bathrooms would run out or something?

Stacey: I heard the after parties are always low on TP, so you could be right. I'm NOT loving the side-bustle action either. It looks like she has a growth on one hip.

Julie: Maggie Gyllenhall (Possibly misspelled her last name but am too lazy to look that up too)

Stacey: No, I think that's right. (But I'm also too lazy to look it up this morning. I've got stuff to do, man. Like drink coffee and feed the baby cereal. Maggie would understand. She's a mom.)

Julie: I'm pretty sure I saw this dress at Cache.

Stacey: This is a nightmare, jungle-scene-at-night-in-the-80's, print, but I don't care. I have a huge girl-crush on Mags (we're on a nickname basis like you and Sandy) and I think she's a brilliant actress and totes should have won last night. So, yeah. Basically she can do no wrong. I love her in weird blue jungle print, I love her weird, cute, little, puppy-doggish face. She's awesome.

Nicole Richie

Julie: What. the. hell. She looks like Elvira.

Stacey: She does. Or a scary 1970's couch. Just looking at that fabric makes me itch.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Julie: I love her so I feel mean commenting on her hideous dress or the fact that her hair looked like she'd slept on it for about two days--did you see all the flyaways, flying around all over the place when she was on stage?

Stacey: I like her too, but yeah...not feeling that odd yellowish color and the hair was a mess. But, as the Mistress of Flyaways, I'm in no place to judge. You could spray a can of hairspray on my hair and the whispies would still find a way to fight free.

Julie: Chick from Up in the Air whose name reminds me of Veal Parmesean
Stacey: Yeah...I have no clue. I didn't see this movie because I don't like Clooney. Never have. He rubs me the wrong way.

Julie: This is a nice color, but it reminds me of a ruffled bedskirt or curtains or something. Or maybe I'm just jealous because she got to sleep with George Clooney on camera.

Stacey: Narf. She can have Clooney--on camera or anywhere else--but I have to agree, this dress is like a polyster orchid and a dish of shell soap had a baby. And it came out as a dress....or something...(I really need more coffee.)

Zoe Saldana

Julie: I don't know why, but this dress makes me think of a snowcone. What does that mean?

Stacey: It makes me think of plastic leis, the kind you get at a backyard luau. Not good. Not good at all. But a snowcone sounds good. I can't wait until summer. And sun! Are we done with this commentary yet?...um...

Yes! It looks like we are! Tune in next time for some Beach Read recommendations. It's almost Spring Break, people. Whee!!!

Stacey and Julie out

You say it's your birthday . . .

2010-02-11T02:49:00.000-08:00

Today is the 11th day of February, 2010 which means...TAYLOR LAUTNER IS 18!!!!

(And also that Stacey and I are old creepy stalker women, but thankfully the government can't prosecute you for crimes committed in your mind.)

To celebrate this event, here are some Taylor pics (which hopefully aren't copyrighted and won't get us thrown in jail). It's so weird . . . I looked and looked, but I couldn't find a single photo of him wearing a shirt...

Stacey: LOL!! A truly awesome tribute to the talented Taylor. Happy Birthday, little Lautner. We're taking up a collection to buy you a shirt that will stay closed...but we plan on burning it in tribute to your abs.

Werewolves without third nipples forever! (Because vampire dude totally looks like he has a third nipple in "New Moon"...I'm just saying...)

Stacey and Julie

Grammy Red Carpet Redux

2010-02-02T02:28:00.000-08:00

Just as we did NOT watch the SAG awards, we...didn't watch the Grammy's either. What can we say, we're swinging, crazy, stay at home moms who had been trapped with our iced-in families for several days by the time this show came on. We were more concerned with not killing a loved one than snarking on celebrity fashion.

Fortunately, spouses went to work and kids to school, and our longing to make fun of others returned, much like the sun returning to the frozen tundra...or something. And so without further ado, the Grammy fashion commentary:

Stacey: And the award for most pretentious pouting and squinting goes to...these people!! (Whoever they are. I don't know anyone in music. Except the puppets on Yo Gabba Gabba and the cast of Jack's Big Music Show.)

Julie: I don't know who these people are either, but you're right. Their squinting and pouting is super-impressive. Do you think they practiced in a mirror together?

Stacey: I can see her Saturn panties. This woman is from Saturn right? (Or a nearby strip club, perhaps? The shoes make me suspicious...)

Julie: That's not a woman, that's a lady. Lady Gaga. I think she's actually from Mars, but she may have a vacation home on Saturn.

Stacey: Somewhere, a synthetic chinchilla is weeping because it now is bald. (Probably many synthetic chinchillas, actually. That's some major fuzz.)

Julie: Wow. That is just . . . scary.

Stacey: He's like a vampire Kentucky Fried Chicken guy! Awesome. (But I wouldn't eat anything he had touched or...that he'd even looked at too closely. He has an ickiness to him for some reason.)

Julie: The Colonel Sanders you don't want to meet in a dark alleyway. Because he'd drink your blood then fry you up with some biscuits and mashed potatoes.

Stacey: She looks like a curvy loveseat. Not digging the upholstered look.

Julie: It's true. That material is vaguely upholstery-ish. Well, maybe not exactly "vaguely." More like "completely and totally." But I'm just bitterly jealous of her cleavage.

Stacey: Me too. Who knew having children would make the girls smaller. Not me. Big fun post-birth and breast-feeding surprise there.

Stacey: I don't have much to say about this woman, but I'm kind of liking her bangs. Should I get bangs? (Or would I look too much like your evil twin then, Julie?)

Julie: "This woman?" That's Katy Perry. I-kissed-a-girl-and-I-liked-it Katy Perry? Your inability to identify famous people is both funny and shame-inspiring. I probably need to get a life.

Actually, I've always wanted an evil twin. That would be awesome. Then if I'm caught doing anything bad I can just say "Oh, no that wasn't me. . . it must have been my evil twin. Stacey."

Stacey: I'm sorry. I used to know the famous. Parade some kid TV stars in front of me and I could name them all. I picked out Steve from Blue's Clues on a totally unrelated show the other day even though he is now bald.

And cool on the evil twin stuff! I'm okay with being blamed for your badness. I think that will help me earn back some street cred. (Because I'm all about street cred.)

Stacey: French Maid meets Pillow Shoulder Space Girl...is this a look? Am I behind the times again?

Julie: Duh, it's in case she gets sleepy and wants to take a nap during the show.

Stacey: *Thunks head* Totally. I should have caught on to that right away.

See you soon!

Julie and Stacey

Roast of Stacey Jay Age 2-19

2010-01-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

People! I, Julie, have an important announcement! Stacey's 2nd young adult novel, UNDEAD MUCH, has just hit bookstores! Have you seen its adorable cover on the side of the blog? It looks like this:

And a preview of its awesomeness looks like this:

Q: How many guys does it take to make your boyfriend wild with jealousy?
A: Only one, if he's UNDEAD.

Megan Berry had a perfectly average new-sundress-and-boy-obsessed life--until her power to settle the Undead returned. Oh, and then her best friend tried to kill her--and ruin homecoming--with a bunch of black magically raised zombies. At least she got a spot on the pom squad and a smokin' boyfriend (Ethan). But now Megan is in deep fertilizer all over again.

Why? Well, let's see...

· Feral new super-strong zombies? Check.

· Cheerleader vs. pom squad turf war threatening half time as they know it? Check.

· An Undead psychic hottie (Cliff) who's predicting a zombie apocalypse--and doing his best to tempt Megan away from Ethan? Yum. I mean, Check.

· Earth-shattering secrets that could land Megan in Settler prison for life? Um, IT WASN'T ME!!!

Everyone thinks Megan's at fault for the new uber-zombie uprising. Looks like she'll need the help of both Cliff and Ethan if she's going to prove her innocence before it's too late...

To honor this this occasion, I thought it might be nice for everyone to get to know Stacey a little bit better and she has stupidly--er, I mean, graciously provided me with some childhood photos, which I will now proceed to mock mercilessly. Because that's how we build intimacy here at ZIT, by making fun of each other. If anyone would like to send their childhood pics, feel free. We'd be happy to make fun of you too.

Awwwwww

So cute!! Look at her little toes! And her big blue eyes! She was so adorable. At first.

Fortunately, Stacey's parents were able to save up enough money for the operation to correct the giant clown mouth that dominated her face by age 3. Her pipe habit was eventually broken with the help of hypnosis. Sadly, the hobby horse succumbed to the temptation of the liquor bottles constantly hovering over his head and became a raging alcoholic. He will be eligible for parole in 2015.

Freed of the giant clown mouth, Stacey left home and joined a band of roving fairies.

However, a magic unicorn and strange, phallic-shaped balloons soon led her back to the place of her birth.

Once home, she embarked on a rigorous course of study and quickly mastered the Art of Awkward Hand Gestures

. . .

...as well as the Art of Monochromatic Dressing and Big Hair.

By the time she reached her teens, she had mastered the Art of Really, Really Big Hair, which caused her to acquire a host of female enemies who wished to steal this magic for themselves.

Heeding the old adage "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," Stacey defeated these evil females through a lethal combination of inappropriate holding and replacing their heads with black squares.

To celebrate her victory, Stacey performed a lyrical dance in that most sacred of places--the parking lot.

(Stacey aside: That's actually miniature golf course. The only place for lyrical dancing, lol.)

Tired of mousse and hair picks, Stacey chopped off her locks and headed west where she began a new life as a spokesmodel for chain-link fences.

And then she wrote an awesome book called UNDEAD MUCH, which everyone should go out and buy because it's awesome. Did I mention that it's awesome? For real. So go buy it. Now. Or I'll have Stacey show me how to replace your head with a black square.

Julie

(Stacey: Hope you all will still read my book after learning the tragic history of my clown mouth syndrome and awkward hand-gesture-itis.)

Stylin' in the Afterlife

2010-01-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about coffins. An uncomfortable subject, perhaps, but--like it or not--most of us are going to end up in one. Or an urn. Well, except for the woman I once did an estate plan for who wanted her ashes scattered "maybe on a sidewalk in Paris, or perhaps in the ocean, on a sunny day, while the dolphins are frolicking." I'm not even making this up. That's actually what she said.

Not that there's anything wrong with having your ashes scattered on a sidewalk in Paris or on top of frolicking dolphins but you need to: a) pick one or the other. Dolphins or Paris. Otherwise your loved one(s) will argue and/or feel confused; and b) actually NAME a loved one to perform the scattering.

Because I hate to tell you this, but requesting merely that "someone" fly your ashes to a different continent and dump them out pretty much guarantees that your final resting place will be the inside of a vacuum cleaner. Especially if you don't leave any money to pay for "someone's" travel expenses. I'm just saying.

(Stacey aside: You are SO wise. Go on with your bad lawyer self. Really, ya'll, Julie is a for real life lawyer and knows some stuff about this kind of stuff. Heed her words and all that.)

Legal advice over. Back to the main topic. Coffins. Caskets. (Is there a difference, I wonder??) It turns out, they're not all just black and hideous and depressing anymore. In fact, some of them are quite stylish. Like . . .

Louis Vuitton handbag coffin

Julie: The sad thing is that this is the size of my actual purse.

Stacey: I think my purse is bigger. By the time I fit diaper bag stuff for baby and food for the 5 year old who is always hungry but will eat nothing but bananas and peanut butter sandwiches, I need a small carry on with me at all times.

A Laplander Sled Coffin

With this replica of a Laplander sled, Richard Mullard has created his own coffin that will enable him to be buried wearing his skis as if on a final expedition (Top Ten Crazy Coffins chosen by David Crampton, Director of Vic Fern Co. Ltd.)

Julie: So, basically they took a body bag and tied it onto a sled with a bunch of rope. This is a bit too creepy for me. People shouldn't be able to see the outline of your dead body. I'd rather just see it, you know? Otherwise my imagination conjures up all sorts of images that I'm sure are far worse than whats actually under there. So either keep your dead body covered up where I can't see your lumpy outline or expose yourself to the world so I don't spend your entire memorial service wondering if you look like something from the Mummy.

Stacey: Amen. What you said about that. But honestly, all bodies give me the creeps. I don't want to see your earthly shell after your soul is gone. I think cremation should be mandatory. But...yeah...I guess I'm weird like that. (My big sister insisted on an open casket during my father's funeral and that kind of scarred me for life. I just...yeah, I don't want to go there. I want to remember people the way they were. Alive. And shit.)

Some coffins are stylish AND functional.

Check out these offerings from The Old Pine Box --

The "Pioneer"

"The Pioneer may be purchased with a shelf option . . . to serve as storage or display for any of your fine articles. It comes standard with a removable lid that may be stored separately or if a cabinet style is preferred, you may order a hinged lid."

Julie: Is it scary that I actually looked at this and thought "Wow, what an awesome idea!"??

Stacey: Yes. It is. Actually. *scoots to the other side of the blog*

The "Vinters Vessel"

"The "Vinter's Vessel" will make itself extremely useful during your lifetime and after. When needed as a burial vessel, the interior framework slides out to be re-assembled as a free standing wine rack. This will allow your collection to be displayed at your wake, permitting your mourners to do as the coffin's medallion instructs: 'Celebrate my life.'

The "Vinter's Vessel" will house 19 bottles of wine in the lower portion. The upper third of the coffin provides space for your wine glasses."

Julie: Forget that deer statue I offered to buy you a few posts ago, Stacey. THIS is the ultimate housewarming gift, especially if the hubs gets into wine school in California. (Wine school? Is that what it's called? That doesn't sound right. Vinter's school?) A wine rack AND a coffin. How's that for dual purpose?

Stacey: I actually LOVE this! As long as my loved ones cremate me and just use the wine and the glasses to party after I'm dead. I want my people to party after I'm gone. (Because we had good times together, not because they're glad the witch is finally dead. Lol.) And yes, you can get this for me. I'd also like a pony if you're really feeling generous ;).

The "Chariot"

"A simply designed pet coffin with sliding lid and decorative trim . . .Until needed for its ultimate use, the Chariot can function beautifully as your pet's toy box."

Julie: Are there people who actually bury their pets in a coffin? Really? Is that a Northern thing? We just wrap ours in a trash bag. And by "we" I mean my husband. At least, in my mind he wraps them in a trash bag. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what he really does--because I'm 100% certain it doesn't involve a neat little wooden box with sliding lid and decorative trim.

Stacey: This is why I don't have pets. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with my house plants when I inevitably kill them.

OR, you could forget the traditional and have yourself turned into something really useful like. . . a princess cut diamond ring. . .

Or perhaps a nice necklace.

"LifeGem is a certified, high quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another. Because like the memory of a loved one, a diamond lasts forever."

Julie: People think I'm kidding, but I'm really doing this. I'm having myself turned into a diamond ring. And my husband into matching earrings. For real. I think it's the most awesome idea ever. Who wants to drag around a stupid urn or trek out to a depressing cemetery?

A nice piece of jewelry, on the other hand--well, who wouldn't want that? I think it makes much more sense to leave my daughter with platinum earrings and ring than a yucky urn or the hassle of a cemetery plot.

Stacey: And this is why you are wise and awesome and I turn to you in times of trouble. Excellent idea. I'll do that too.

Stacey and Julie Out!

People's Choice Awards: The Good, the Bad, & Johnny Depp

2010-01-11T09:55:00.000-08:00

The People's Choice Awards!

We really couldn't care less who won what. We, the people of this blog, care only about the fashion!

Stacey: I'm not allowed to comment on this picture. Ever since I saw New Moon with my stepdaughters and confessed to how shockingly hot I found this boy, my husband has been prowling around the house in a werewolf-like rage. At one point he even called me a dirty old woman, which led to a big argument about the difference in our ages versus the age difference between Taylor and I and whether the hubs would feel like a pervert for finding a 22-year-old-woman attractive and then...well, it's just been...unpleasant. So yeah. No comment. (Hot!! So hot! And he's gotta turn 18 eventually!)

Julie: Control yourself, Stace, becauseaccording to Wikipedia, he's going to turn 18 in just FOUR WEEKS! (February 11th) Perhaps we should do a blog dedicated to him on that day with lots of pictures. Shirtless pictures. Did you see him host Saturday Night Live? He did a BACK FLIP. And a bunch of kung fu-ish fighting moves. Except I do have trouble letting go of the image of him as a little kid in Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Stacey: Feb. 11th it is!! Wheeee!!!

Stacey: Grrr.....she does not deserve Taylor boy. She's too pure and perfect and busy singing about how the rest of we chicks "threw away our love on boys who changed their minds" while she achieved all her "big dreams". Suck it, Swift. You're not better than we are! And kissing around on boys can still be fun even when they--or you--change your minds at a later date. (Analogy: We might regret eating the chocolate cake when we can't fit in our jeans, but we can always go on a diet. You, however, will never have known the yumminess of the chocolate cake. We feel sorry for you, Taylor. We really, really do.)

Julie: She is pure and perfect, yet strangely--I love her. Normally I would despise her and make snarky comments about her squinty eyes, but instead I think they're cute. But you're right; she definitely doesn't deserve him. And she's apparently ditched him! (or so the gossip blogs are saying). Her stupidity is your opportunity, Stacey. You could comfort him in his time of need.

Stacey: Unfortunately for Taylor boy, I'm taken. But I'm sure my nearly sixteen year old stepdaughter would love to offer comfort! Lol!

Stacey: Her spiderweb apron is on backwards. I have the same one. Common mistake...when you're blond.

Julie: The dress is kind of--well, spidery but those shoes kick ass, I must say. I want them. Too bad they probably cost more than my car.

Stacey: I think she has some sort of weaponry strapped to her chest.

Julie: She's like the goth Princess Leia.

Stacey: What's she trying to prove? With that watermelon tummy and scrawny rest-of-her? The swollen-all-over, 200 pound woman I was a little over a year ago kind of hates her. A lot.

Julie: She's trying to prove that Teri Hatcher isn't the only one who can hide stuff inside her dress.

Stacey: Snarf!

Stacey: Is that a rat tail? For real? I'm...speechless.

Julie: You're worried about the rat tail? I'm more concerned about those black shiny . . . things hanging off her dress. What are they? Windchimes? Shredded paper?

Stacey: I don't care. The rat tail blinded me with its Scary and I hardly noticed the outfit.

Stacey: I'm depressed now. Their black and greyness hath brought me low.

Julie: I have no idea who these people are, but clearly they weren't invited for their sparkling auras and eye-catching style, so at least one of them must be famous, right? Or related to somebody famous? They're like Mr. & Mrs. Desolate. They should be on an anti-depressant commercial. "Depression hurts". . . my eyes.

Stacey: Why is he so shiny all over? He looks slippery, in the oiled pig kind of way. (And we Arkansas girls know what one of them looks like.)

Julie: The used car salesman you wish had sold you that Toyota.

Stacey: She's like a delicate, flowery dumpling. I want to dip her in sweet and sour sauce and eat her. Or maybe just eat her dress.

Julie: You know what she reminds me of? One of those scented sachets filled with potpourri that you put in your dresser drawers. I want to tie a ribbon around her and tuck her in between my socks and underwear.

Stacey: YES! She would make your underthings smell like jasmine....or something.

Stacey: I was wondering where all the bows I bought for the kids' Christmas presents got off to. And here I'd been thinking they were lost in the move.

Julie: If only she'd had the guts to pull the whole thing together by wearing a giant, matching bow on her head, Minnie Mouse style. At least then I could have given her points for ballsiness. Go big or go home, bow girl.

Stacey: He's fourteen years older than I am. FOURTEEN! Yet, would anyone think it gross if I thought he was cute or he thought I was cute? NO! They wouldn't! So what's the big deal about the fifteen years between me and my werewolf? There is no big deal. So take that, hubs and the rest of you sexist jerks who are trying to make me feel bad for appreciating a younger man. Cougar, out.

Julie: Ahhh, Johnny Depp. On anybody else this outfit would conjure up words like "unemployed" or "homeless," but somehow he just looks hot. But then again, I guess that's why People made him Sexiest Man Alive.

Tune in next week for our discussion of stylish final resting places.

xoxo

Stacey and Julie

Break out the champagne!!

2010-01-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

It's a new year! Actually, a whole new decade--2010, which I was pronouncing "two thousand and ten" until I read this article and learned that I'm supposed to be saying "twenty ten."

Really. There's a facebook page and everything. Two of them, in fact. I thought about joining one or both, but then I remembered that would require me to actually log in to my facebook, which would cause me to see the 96 messages and five million assorted requests I haven't replied to so I decided to pour a glass of champagne instead.

As the 1st day of "Twenty ten" we, the good citizens of the United States, are legally required by the Pledge of Allegiance/ Constitution/ every magazine article I've read in the past two weeks to compile a list of New Year's Resolutions. At least one of these resolutions must be a vow to lose weight and/or join a gym.

B.O.R.I.N.G. Maybe I'm just getting old and cynical, but this whole resolution thing just seems tired to me. Why don't people make more exciting promises? Or, at the very least, resolve to do stuff that's bad for them?

Julie's New Year's Resolutions

1.) Watch more TV. Like, 10-15 hrs a week. (Disney channel does NOT count) Because I'm tired of having no clue what people are talking about, particularly when it comes to who got eliminated on American Idol.

2.) Get my own gun (preferably pink) because my husband's are too heavy.

3.) Use gun to shoot chickens who refuse to die and keep pooping all over everything.

4.) Stop volunteering at daughter's school. It's never enough, so why keep putting out the effort? Sit home and eat bon-bons; that's what they assume I'm doing anyway.

5.) Read more trashy magazines, specifically "Stars Without Makeup" and "Worst Beach Bodies" articles to boost self-esteem.

6.) Curse more.

Stacey's New Year's Resolutions:

Damn, this is fracking hard. Unlike Julie, I already curse plenty and have no desire to own a gun or shoot chickens. We're not allowed to have chickens in my new apartment. (I'm sure if we were and if my husband insisted on owning chickens, then I'd probably want to shoot them too.)

But I do like the idea of low stress New Year's resolutions...

1. Delete my myspace page because I hate myspace. I always have and I'm tired of this abusive relationship in which I hate it and it still continues to exist.

2. Wear my boots in the house and dirt-worries be damned. I like wearing my boots. They give me the delusion that I might actually be in charge around here. (I'm easily influenced by footwear.)

3. Stop cleaning up my sons' toys. They just get pulled out again the next day. Why bother? I will live in a huge playpen and not worry about stepping on small plastic things that kill my feet because I will be wearing boots. (See #2)

4. Buy more boots to wear in the house.

5. Spend my money on new tattoos and buy my baby bargain formula. (He's supposed to be transitioning to milk anyway, but he refuses to give up his Enfamil. Big baby. Of course it could be some sort of baby crack the formula companies put in the powder to keep infants addicted to the age of three and thusly earn themselves more money, so perhaps I shouldn't judge the little turd so harshly.)

6. Spend more time indulging my conspiracy theories and writing angry letters.

7. Be late. When you're early you just sit there waiting for everyone else who's always late and wasting time you could be spending writing angry letters or walking around your toy-filled apartment in boots.

So what about you? Any low-stress resolutions?

Back soon for more ZIT in 2010,

Julie and Stacey

Vote for our bio pic and win!

2009-12-14T02:20:00.000-08:00

Hello to all the new followers!

Welcome to our blog. We're Stacey and Julie, authors of young adult romance. You might have seen our covers on the sidebar, but until now we've had no shiny bio-pic to post for your getting-to-know-us pleasure. We both live in Arkansas, but several hours apart and we've got kids and husbands and animals and really long hair that requires a stupid-ridiculous amount of tending (Stacey plans to cut her's soon) and, well...it can be hard to get together.

Julie aside: Don't do it, Stacey! Don't cut your hair! If you keep growing yours and I keep growing mine then, when it gets reallllllly, reallllllly long, we'll cut it and turn the shorn locks into something cool. Like a lasso.

Stacey aside: Well...I have always wanted a lasso made of human hair...

Thankfully, however, we managed to meet up for a photo shoot this fall. The results are posted below for your viewing pleasure. (You'll have a chance to vote for your favorite at the end, so pay attention and get out your score cards.)

Another Julie aside: Before you begin voting, please have the record show that Stacey and her husband FORCED me to drink champagne during this photo shoot by offering it to me in a delicate, little champagne glass with a stem and everything, thereby playing directly into my sick weakness for all things "fancy."

Another Stacey aside: My husband and I would like the record to show that we do not support using alcoholic beverages to "loosen" anyone up for the camera...unless their name is Julie Linker and they like things that are "fancy".

ONE:

Stacey: Omg...I'm holding you inappropriately in this one. I've always wanted to hold you inappropriately, but I didn't realize that would be so apparent on film. (Or digital or whatever.) On the other hand, the matchy-matchiness of our outfits--(NOT INTENTIONAL, people, she showed up at my house like this in all her Single White Female-ness and demanded that we be photographed together immediately. She wouldn't even try on the very nice red t-shirt she brought.)---is kind of cute in the matchy-matchy way.

Julie: I think the innappropriate holding makes it obvious who the REAL Single White Female is in this picture, don't you guys? (Hint: the one who isn't me)

Stacey: Just for that I'm not going to correct your misspelling of "inappropriate" up there. *harumph*

TWO:

Stacey: This is a little better for me, though I still look a little like a psycho-killer. You look nice, however.

Julie: Look at my finger! My finger looks like a psycho-killer! What is it doing? Do you see the way it's creeping around your waist, all stealthy and stuff, like it can't decide whether to stab some of your internal organs or steal your wedding ring? My finger is evil! I had no idea. It always seemed so nice.

Stacey: Oh wow, yeah, that finger is evil. I think it might be after my spleen. Or perhaps my pancreas.

THREE:

Stacey: I think I look really, really super smart here (if a little constipated). And you look devious and a bit evil. I like the combo. There could be a world-takeover being plotted here. (Or maybe a blog post about grunt tubes. Take your pick.)

Julie: Shhhhh! You're not supposed to tell about the world-takeover plot.
You're ruining everything! Now what are we going to do with all the grunt tubes we ordered for our army of the undead?

FOUR:

Stacey: If we were in junior high school, this photo would have us RULING the school, RULING it I tell you! (And in another random aside, I think I have an unusually large head. My ex-husband said I did and that our son had inherited my enormous melon. I tried to explain I needed a large head to contain my gigantic brain...but...I mean, really, who am I kidding? I probably have water on the brain that my lousy doctors never bothered to drain off so that I could grow to be a normal-headed person.)

Julie: Do you think if we passed this around at a few junior highs one of them would let us rule it now? I've always wanted to reign over a junior high, but sadly my own JH felt I was better suited to serve as a minion.

Stacey: Me too! I wasn't even a minion, I was just the weird girl who wore lime green stretch pants. I was always forced to the end of the lunch line by a girl named...Julie. Hmm, good thing I don't hold grudges against people with the same names of girls who were jerks to me in junior high. (The other Julie turned out to be much nicer in high school.)

Julie: Incidentally, your hair looks very lovely and shampoo-ad like here, Stacey. Your giant head is hardly noticeable at all.

Stacey: Thanks!

FIVE:

Stacey: I think I look too buff in this one from all my Shredding with Jillian. Your biceps are jealous. I don't want your biceps to feel jealous, Jules. (Also, I can't really pull off pouty. With chipmunk cheeks like these, I'm better off cheesy or broody. No pouting allowed.) But I like the bad-ass thing you've got going on here. That finger means bidness, I can tell. Fear the finger!)

Julie: My finger again! Now it's a gun! Maybe I should stop typing and go put on some gloves. This is starting to freak me out.

My biceps are jealous, it's true. I'm a weakling. I can't even open my own jars.

SIX:

Stacey: You're totally planning to murder me in this shot...and I know it...and I kind of like the idea for some reason. What a frackin' sicko I am!

Julie: If only we had the infamous wicker chair! Then we would totally rule a junior high! (Do they still use the wicker chair, I wonder?) And I am totally planning your murder, btw.

SEVEN:

Stacey: You're moving in for the kill...and I'm still smiling like I'm going to enjoy having my neck snapped at any second...

Julie: Stacey! How could you say such a thing? This is our engagement picture for the newspaper . . . which is exactly why I'm going to kill you because I just found out the "fancy" ring you bought me is really a cubic zirconia from the Everything's $1! store.

Stacey: Hey, baby, you knew I was a struggling writer when we started this whole crazy thing we call luurrve. (And I was just trying to help cure your addiction to "fancy". Why not develop a love for "sparkle" instead? Sparkle can be pretty, but cheaper than fancy.)

EIGHT:

Stacey: Oh WAIT!! Huzzah! Turned the tables on you, bi-atch! See what I can do with those Shredded biceps now!!! (Just kidding, you're totally not a bi-atch...usually ;)). And I would never twist off your head, though I totally could if I wanted to because I am so buff.

Julie: Sniff, sniff. I'd like to believe that you would never twist off my head, but I just can't trust you anymore, not after the cubic zirconia. How could you?

Stacey: I explained that. Just think sparkle thoughts and it will all be okay.

NINE:

Stacey: You've got the cute smile, but I'm still evil. Why can't I stop being evil? Why? I look like a possessed leprechaun.

Julie: I may be smiling cutely, but really I'm pooping on your deck . . .

Stacey: Ahh...I wondered where that big pile of steaming feces came from. I was blaming the giant squirrel.

TEN:

Stacey: Finally. A nice normal picture. A little elbow-y, but it will do.

Julie: Huh. You're right. Except for the elbows, we almost look normal.

ELEVEN:

Stacey: Or maybe we should use this one...:) Nothing like a little girl talk on a teeter totter, while wearing your best knee-high boots with three-inch heels.

Julie: What are you talking about? I've had those boots since 3rd grade. What else are girls supposed to wear on the teeter totter? And now I suppose you're going to try and tell me red stilletos aren't appropriate for the swings.

Stacey: Lol.

Okay people, what say you? Everyone who chimes in with their vote in the comments will be entered to win a ZIT prize pack including all kinds of general fabulous-ness as well as an Advanced Reader copy of Stacey Jay's January release "Undead Much?" All entries must be received by Christmas Eve Day. Winner announced on Christmas Day. (Or soon thereafter...whenever Stacey gets around to it ;)).

Go, vote, wiiiinnnnnn!!!

Julie and Stacey

Urine, Grunt tubes, and Sparkle-deer-pires, oh my!

2009-12-05T03:04:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is upon us--Fattening food, presents, twinkling lights, football, sneaking into your sister's bathroom and taking a swig of some kind of sketchy-looking alcohol you found underneath her kitchen cabinet in a desperate effort to keep yourself from stabbing various members of your extended family with your pie fork. Who doesn't love the most wonderful time of the year?!

Deer, that's who. (And also department store Santas and my chihuahua). Because here in the south, holiday season = lure cute adorable bambis to your tree with corn then blow their brains out season.

Okay, so that's an exaggeration. They don't blow their brains out; they shoot them through the heart/lungs/shoulder. Otherwise it'd be awfully hard to mount those antlers up on the wall.

Deer hunters are VERY serious about their sport and will often go to extreme measures to get their "kill shot." Luckily, there are roughly one billion gazillion websites where they can go for advice and tips. See below:

From deerscents.com

A good scent strategy has 3 parts: Eliminate as much human odor as possible, cover up whatever is left and then use attractant scents to bring bucks closer or position them properly for the shot.

"Consider scents part of your overall game plan. You may go all season without seeing any evidence of their effectiveness but when you catch the right buck at the right time with the right scent--you will be rewarded for your efforts."

Here are a sampling of the available products:

Stacey: Because you wouldn't want to use less than 100% pure deer urine. Just the thought of diluting my deer urine with say--water or something equally nasty--makes me want to hurl.

Julie: I want to know who does the quality control testing for this. How do we know it's 100% pure deer urine? More importantly--how, exactly, does one obtain deer urine? I can't imagine that they're lining up to pee in a cup voluntarily.

Stacey: I think it might involve sneak-attacks, urine-sucking tubes, and maybe some ninjas. Not being a woman of the woods, I can't say, but...yeah...

Stacey: This is really the name of this stuff: C'Mere Deer. You just can't say that shizz without a hillbilly twang.

Julie: Love it!! If I were so inclined to douse myself in animal pee this is definitely the brand of pee I would choose. Then I would wander out in the woods calling "C'mere deery, deery, deery!" and they would all come running across the meadow with a cadre of woodland friends and we would sing and frolick and then maybe later they would make me a dress.

Stacey: And from the people at C'Mere Deer, we have Buck Juice. I don't even want to know what that's made of. *shudder, throws up a little bit*

Julie: . . . eeeeeewwwww. I feel vaguely dirty now. I'm disappointed in you C'Mere Deer people. I thought you were different. Why does everything have to be about sex? (How many guys do you think have taken a swig of this on a drunken bet at deer camp?)

Stacey: At least one, which is one too many.

Decoys
"Big bucks don't get big and old by being dumb."
Decoys should be set up well within a bowhunter's effective killing zone

Stacey: I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want to eat the deer that fell for this one. That's one dumb deer. (I fear contracting further dumbness through the food I ingest.)

Julie: That's right--"You are what you eat," after all. Is that really supposed to be a deer? Its head kind of reminds me of a fox. And it maybe needs to consider signing up for Jenny Craig because it's got a bit of a belly on it. I've never seen a deer with a beer gut. Although maybe it's a pregnant decoy? Awww, that would be so cute--maybe in a few weeks it will give birth to cute little baby cardboard decoys.

Stacey: Not all bucks like skinny-ass deer, Julie. Some of them like junk in the trunk. (Would that be her trunk...or her undercarriage...or...what?) I fail deer anatomy.

Stacey: This is better, I'd eat a deer who got shot trying to come sniff around this one.

Julie: Definitely better. I'd never make it as a hunter though because my first thought was "he'd look so cute with a red and green Christmas bow and maybe some bells on his antlers."

Stacey: Oooo!! It's the sparkling deer-pire of the decoy world. Female deer everywhere would come running to save him screaming "No, sparkle-deer-pire, don't step into the liiii-eeettte!!"

Julie: Um, I'm scared. Because I don't think that's a decoy. I'm pretty sure it's a statue. Like, an art statue. It's "Deer decor." (Hahaha, I crack myself up.) Oh, man, Stacey--when you move to CA, I'm SO buying you this as a housewarming gift. That way you'll never forget your roots. Because the giant running deer in your living room won't let you.

Stacey: Sadly, in California I won't have the money to pay for an apartment large enough to fit my entire family, let alone any generous Deer Decor gifts. Though I appreciate the offer!

Deer Calls

Stacey: This is called a "grunt tube". I kid you not. For real. That's what it's called. You couldn't pay me to put my mouth to that.

Julie: I think that came off my car. OMG--my car is secretly a deer hunter! That explains all those shell casings on the floorboard! And why all deer within a hundred mile radius flock to whatever highway I happen to be driving on and dash across it right in front of me, so close that their fur brushes across the front grill, forcing me to slam on my brakes which causes me to lose control of the steering weel and careen wildly toward the giant ditch on the right side so I try to turn back except I overcorrect and hurtle toward the yellow line while my daughter screams and all the random crap I've been meaning to take out of the car for the past year ricochets around the interior and I realize we're going to die and the entire time I'm hearing my dad's voice in my head intoning, "Never, ever swerve for an animal--better that you run over it than lose control of the vehicle and get yourself killed."

(Note to my car: My other car took out a full-grown buck at 60 mph AND a white dog that was inexplicably standing on the interstate in the middle of the night in Little Rock, but so far all you've managed is a series of terrifying near-death experiences. I'm just saying.)

And so concludes our brief foray into the magical, urine-scented world of deer hunting. If any of our readers happen to be avid hunters who don't appreciate us poking fun at your sport, all I have to say is--STACEY DID IT!!!

Yeah, right now she's really writing this, just pretending to be me. I swear. I don't know how she figured out my password. I love deer hunting! I think it's the greatest thing ever! Please don't shoot me! Or her!

Happy Hunting

Stacey and Julie (not really)

Stacey: I have no problems with poking fun at anyone's sport. Next week, giggles with curling.

Craigslist-It can haz funny!

2009-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

While some people spend their spare time doing things like rock climbing, or painting watercolors, or visiting sick children in the hospital, we spend our free time engaged in actual worthwhile activities, like scrolling through the best-of-craigslist and laughing hysterically. Read on for a view of our most recent faves.

i need help moving my chickens

Date: 2009-07-26, 11:04PM CDT

I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.

JL: This is one of those times where I really wish the poster had included more information because I have a LOT of questions about this ad. Such as--how, exactly, did he come to be in possession of 1,243 chickens? Because contrary to what you might think, chickens are actually hard to acquire. It's not like when you feed a stray cat a few times and the next thing you know she's dropping litters of kittens in your barbecue grill, or your garage, or--in an unfortunate incident at my mom's house--a pile of brush you've just set on fire and realized too late that it also contains fuzzy baby kittens who you will later discover as charred little bodies that will make everyone cry.

STACEY ASIDE--What the hell? Oh my god, why did you have to tell that story? I'm crying now. And a little sick to my stomach. Ugh--END STACEY ASIDE

JL: Today's chicken eggs will only hatch if incubated in a bank of high-tech equipment operated by a team of scientists from NASA. I know. I spent half of last year navigating around all the chicken hatching equipment in my kitchen because my husband (who, incidentally, is insane)thought it would be a great idea to hatch roughly one gazillion baby chickens next to the pantry. So it's not like this guy had a few hens and a few roosters and things got out of control. He had to work to acquire those 1, 243 chickens. Why? Why would anybody in their right mind want 1,000+ chickens? I would say that must be how he makes a living, except then doesn't it seem like he'd own a chicken trailer or truck or something?

Other questions . . . Is the 1,243 number including or excluding the chickens he lost during the first three trips? Were the lost chickens properly secured in seat belts and/or age/weight appropriate booster seats?

SJ: I have questions too. Like...is it okay to cuss on Craigslist? Because that guy totally dropped the "s" bomb. And why doesn't he have any capital letters at the beginning of his sentences? This isn't a text, it's an AD, buddy. Be a little professional with your request for help with your shitting chickens. God.

Small Space for Right Roommate

About your space: We have a limited time offer for a "nook" in our living room. The nook is currently home to my bike and is 6' x 3'. It is perfect for someone who needs a little respite between apartments and has a comfy sleeping bag. The nook has wall to wall carpeting and has window to private patio. Though it's located in the main living room, you will be assured privacy by the entertainment center and nearby couch. We have limited space in our closet for your things, mostly it's a room for the water heater, our suitcases, and a baby doll on a stick.

JL: Blah, blah, blah--the second paragraph says some boring stuff, but I'm omitting because of aforementioned boringness.

About you: Having experience living with multiple women is a plus, we are open to either male or female roommate. We're opening up the nook for the right person, one who can be mindful of the morning shower routine, pitch in with general cleaning, and bonus points if you can change light bulbs since we're vertically challenged. We'd like to get along with our new nook occupant so please be a responsible, fun-loving, hilarious, and all around good person. We'd like to be entertained so talents are a plus. The rent: Negotiable per above standards Availability: Now through mutually determined date.

JL: My favorite part about this ad is the "baby doll on a stick." Love, love, love it.

SJ: Me too! God, that's disturbing. What were they doing with that baby doll?

Body Dumping Location Available

Date: 2009-07-21, 8:56PM EDT

Don't stuff grandma in the freezer! By now you've probably heard about the Glen Burnie family that stored their 83-year-old grandmother's dead body in a freezer: http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/anne-arundel/bal-md.ar.freezer15jul15,0,168200.story. It turns out that no law was broken.

Yep, dumping a body is legal around here. Health care workers and other professionals are required to report deaths, but ordinary citizens are not. And, apparently, no state law prohibits the burial or storage of a body on private property. I'm a laid-off Baltimore-area homeowner. After ten months of unemployment, and the future looking even more grim, I'm willing to consider allowing my backyard to be used for body dumping. Call it private burial if you prefer.

I could probably take a half-dozen bodies without arousing the attention of neighbors. It wouldn't hurt to have one under the garden too.

Me: A discreet Baltimore County homeowner with a half-acre of easily tillable property on a quiet dead-end street.

You: An individual (not a health care worker or other professional required to report a death!) with the awkward inconvenience of disposing of a deceased relative, friend, colleague or acquaintance.

You must provide your own trash bags, tarp, quicklime, shovel, etc. I might be available to hold a flashlight, but I won't do any heavy lifting.

Accidental deaths or natural causes only. I'm not going to get involved in any shenanigans with Omar wannabes. I will not be a participant in, or an accessory to, any sort of crime.

This is a limited time offer! Act now before the state legislature changes the law! If and when the law changes (measures failed 10 years ago, after the 1999 incident), you'll be grandfathered, literally and figuratively. Price is negotiable. Serious inquiries only.

JL: Does anybody else get the sense that this guy is kidding--except not really? Fifty bucks says I could get Aunt Fran a prime spot in his garden with a single phone call. Some people might call this ad sick, or twisted, but personally, I think it's a shining example of American ingenuity.

Economy in the toilet? Life savings stolen by Bernie Madoff? Can't get a ____ (fill in the blank--job, credit card, home loan, health insurance policy) to save your life? You could be like hundreds of thousands of other Americans and apply for government benefits (good luck--you'll need it). OR . . . you could stash a few decomposing bodies around your yard for some tidy, tax-free cash!!!

Life handed this guy lemons and he's making lemonade . . . or rather, a backyard cemetery. That's the kind of work ethic this country was built upon.

SJ: !!

Actor needed for emotional role. One day high pay.

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off.

At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic--they are girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best. This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

JL: Wow. This is taking the whole rush-out-and-buy-a-look-alike-goldfish-to-replace-your-kids-dead-goldfish-before-they-get-home-from-school concept to a whole new level of parental deviance. And $500?! Why doesn't he just tell his girls Skittles is going to live with somebody else then give them each a hundred bucks and drive them to the mall or Toys r us? Cash works amazingly well for pet grief, I've found. But then again, we average about a dead pet a week around here, so my daughter is basically immune. Although she was strangely disturbed by Jessica Simpson's dog being snatched by a coyote.

SJ: This man is hysterical, but also genuinely offends me. Grow a pair, buddy. Parenting isn't always being 'the good guy'. Sometimes you've got to get real. You're a single dad, you're exhausted. You obviously didn't plan to be a single dad, but it happened and now you have to deal with it. Shouldn't your kids learn the same lesson, that sometimes life isn't perfect and you have to deal? (Stacey, who is just wicked jealous that she couldn't afford to pay an actor to tell her son that the actor lost his toy accordion and that mama didn't throw it in the trash because the sound of his playing made her want to pour battery acid in her ears.)

Looking for a MAN with very expensive sports car.

Date: 2009-07-07, 12:15PM EDT

I'm looking for a man with a very expensive sports car, a classic muscle car, or a new muscle car. All you have to do is sit in your car in the street in front of my house for one (1) hour, or less, talking to me. This will take place on a Tuesday morning, only. The time will be between approximately 8:25 a.m. and 9:25 a.m.

I want a guy I like to see me. He is NOT my husband or ex-husband. He is NOT my boyfriend or ex-boyfriend. He is just a guy that I know.

You must be a non-smoker.

I will be standing in the street.

Please enclose a photograph of your vehicle.

Compensation: $50.00

JL: I like that she wants to see a photo of the vehicle, but not one of the guy who will be driving it. Like, what if she's 25 and some 90 year old dude with white hair drives up in a Corvette? That's not going to make this guy jealous if that's what she's going for. He'll just think she's talking to her grandpa who happens to drive a cool car. I get what she's going for here, but I think her plan needs more refinement.

SJ: So she'll be standing IN the street. Literally...IN the street. Isn't that dangerous? Oh well, at least she's a non-smoker and cares about other people not smoking. That's good...I guess. But I kind of want to slap her around a little for caring so much about cars. Or a man who cares that much about cars. Cars are dumb. Just get one that will go. And won't break down. Done and done. Save money for more interesting things like quality cuts of meat. I love good meat. Like a really excellent ribeye steak. Yum.

My ad would totally read: Wanted, MAN with yummy 12 oz ribeye. You must stand outside my house holding the ribeye. I will be in the street. We will talk and marinate the ribeye together. Compensation: I will grill your ribeye and maybe let you eat some of it. The end.

Thanks for tuning in to this installment of ZIT. We'll be back soon. For real. Soon.

Julie and Stacey

Awesome Book Alert!!

2009-09-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Although here at ZIT we exude coolness through the non-existent pores of our flawless skin and know absolutely nothing about what it's like to be a geek, Brief pause as nose shoots out five inches from face and lightning bolt strikes back of chair, we enjoy reading books about how the other, less fortunate half lives. Paticularly when the book is smart, funny and has an adorable cover with a cheerleader and pom poms on it (I'm a sucker for pom poms).

Stacey: Me too!

And when the awesome authors of such a book drop by ZIT to do a little q&a--well, that's just icing on the cake. Read on to see how Charity Tahmaseb and Darcy Vance, authors of the fabulous, Geek Girls Guide to Cheerleading, handle the tough questions and then go out and get a copy of GGGTC!

1. Is there a difference between a geek and a nerd? And if so, can nerds also succeed at cheerleading?

Darcy: Did you intend for me to go all etymological on you? Yes? Oh goody!The term geek may come from the Scottish word geck, meaning fool, and was coined as a term describing sideshow entertainers who performed ridiculous feats (like biting the heads off of live chickens). It is unclear who was the actual fool in the scenario though – the biter or the guy who paid cash money to see this happen.An alternate explanation of the term compares it to the word gauche, which is French for left and has come to mean awkward.Nerd, on the other hand, is a mystery word. No one can agree on where it came from. Some say Dr. Seuss just made it up for his book If I Ran the Zoo. Others say it owes its birth to the Northern Electric Research and Development Laboratories in Canada. N.E.R.D. Labs, get it? Still others say its true origins come from a group of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute students who did a compare and contrast on student activities on their campus in the 1960s. Their research showed two primary preferences: Frat Boy Types, otherwise known as drunk(s), and their opposite, the ones who actually attended class and did their homework, henceforth classified as knurd(s). Haha, see? It’s drunk spelled backward.In conclusion, geeks are generally left-handed people who prefer fresh poultry and nerds soberly research fictional zoo animals (but leave their heads intact). I hope this clears up any confusion.

Now, for part two of your question, can nerds succeed at cheerleading? Yes.

Charity: You know, sometimes Darcy just leaves you speechless. This would be one of those times.

2. Maxi dress or mini?

Darcy: Have you seen my thighs? Maxi all the way.

Charity: I’m going with the mini because 1) no one can see your combat boots if you’re wearing a maxi dress, and 2) it’s really hard to do much of anything except float around and look ethereal in a maxi dress.

3. Now that you have written a Geek Girls Guide to Cheerleading, don't you think it's only fair that you should write a Cheerleaders Guide to Geekiness?

Darcy: I believe Charity’s working on that right now, or something similar.

Charity: I am working on something called Dating on the Dork Side. However, as a book--and social experiment--it’s still a work in progress.

4. "High School was the best 4 years of my life. I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat." Please pick the letter that best describes your feelings about this statement.

a) Agree

b) Disagree

c) are you smoking crack?

Darcy: C. Definitely. I had a lot of fun in high school but I would never (I repeat, NEVER) want to go through it again.

Charity: What Darcy said.

5. Zombie vs. Geek girl--who is victorious?

Darcy: Geek girl. For sure. Zombies are a formidable foe and one has to admire their relentless pursuit of brains -- but they tend to lack the critical math skills necessary to determine the slope of a staircase. Without this knowledge they are incapable of climbing to higher ground, allowing geek girls to easily outmaneuver the zombie-folk and rain down geek fury upon them.

Charity: Definitely geek girl. She’s bound to have friends well-entrenched in zombie lore and would therefore be able to devise both a tactical and strategic plan for survival. And it’s well known that zombies have zero knowledge of geek lore. According to Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, this is a win for the geek girls.

6. How do Geek girls feel about tiaras?

D: Along with Aqua-Net and Duck tape, geek girls consider tiaras essential in the fight against zombies. Plus, they sparkle.

C: Tiaras are also sharp; they make good weapons.

7. Name your favorite geek celebrity.

Darcy: That cute kid from Juno, Superbad and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist – Michael Cera. He’s funny and smart, and did I mention cute? He reminds me of all the best things about the boys I knew in high school.

Charity: I second the vote for Michael Cera. If you want old school geeky, I nominate Jeff Goldblum. Also, I feel compelled to report that the Geeky Dreamboats fan page on FaceBook has only 201 fans. This is a travesty. Log on and start clicking that Become a Fan button!

8. What's next for you guys?

Darcy: World domination, or a cookout – whichever comes first.

Charity: All of the above, but while wearing a tiara, because they’re sparkly--and sharp.

Thanks so much for stopping by ladies! You were fantastic!

Julie and Stacey

Gimme a Z-I-T!!

2009-08-27T07:49:00.001-07:00

In further celebration of back to school-ing, we here at Zombies in Tiaras bring you:

A Pictorial Celebration of Strange School Mascots! Part One.

(There are so many werid mascots, we may revisit this subject again when we run out of things to blog about...I mean...when school mascots are once again relevant and pertinent and...stuff.)

First up, our own home state of Arkansas. It's only right, and painfully easy. Arkansans, as always, have made some interesting decisions when it came to naming their mascots.

ARKANSAS TECH WONDER BOYS

Go Wonder Boys!

SJ: This is the only image I could find on the Tech website. Seems they don't want anyone to know exactly what a 'wonder boy' looks like. Thankfully, I have the power of google and found this:

SJ: This, apparently, is a wonder boy. From a video game or something? He looks very fearsome and manly. His flowing blond mullet would terrify me into fleeing the field if I were a member of the opposing team. Fear the mullet, not the mallet.

JL: Too many inappropriate/offensive comments running through mind, trying to force my fingers to type them. Must. Resist.

So now everyone knows our shame as Arkansans. The Wonder Boys. This choice of mascot has long perplexed me. Mostly because--what about the girls' teams? Are they the "Wonder Boys" too? Or the "Wonder Girls?" Or, much more awesome-ly the "Wonder Women?" Because that would actually be cool.

Wonder Boys, though? I'm sorry. That's just #$*&@ up.

UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS MONTICELLO BOLL WEEVILS

Go Weevils!

SJ: Yep. It's a bug. A really ugly bug.

SJ: This would scare my son to death. But he's five. I'm not sure that spooky schnozz is going to work it's intimidation magic on anyone out of kindergarten.

JL: I don't know. Those sneakers are pretty scary. Is it just me, or does he look like a character from Veggie Tales?

SJ: A real boll weevil feeds on cotton and lays its eggs in the immature buds, leaving behind a bunch of babies who will destroy the plant. My cotton-farming daddy would not have been amused at this choice of mascot. In fact, he probably would have written a Letter to The Paper. (Highest form of insult available to those who preferred to fight with the pen in the time before The Internetz.)

JL: Now THIS boll weevil actually looks bad-ass. And absolutely nothing like Mr. Green Furry Suit above. Whoever designed Montecillo's mascot costume=FAIL.

Moving on to other, even grosser mascot-ness, we have:

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA SANTA CRUZ BANANA SLUGS

Go slugs!

SJ: It's a slug! It's a bright, yellow slug!!

JL: Why is he wearing glasses?? And reading Plato? This is freaking me out.

SJ: Eww! Man dressed as bright, yellow slug!!

JL: OMG, and this guy reminds me of a Teletubbie. I think it's his jolly, round stomach. Although, actually I think that's supposed to be the bottom part of his body, not his stomach. And where are his glasses? And tome by a Greek philospher? His sneakers are way cooler than the Boll weevil's, though. I'll give him that.

SJ: Holy gross a REAL bright, yellow slug! Blerck!! (I'm not a girly girl, but keep anything that slimy and squishy looking AWAY from me. Far, far, away.)

JL: I am a girly girl so I have no problem squealing (in a very high-pitched tone) EEEEEEEEEK!!! It's so slimy! And squishy-looking! And what are those weird pink things poking out of it underside? Nipples? They look like fingertips.

Okay, wait. They are fingertips. I see now. A person is actually holding the slug in his/her hand.
Eeeeeew!! Somebody's touching that thing! I think I preferred thinking the pink things were nipples.

DELTA STATE FIGHTING OKRA! (MISSISSIPPI)

Go okra! (Or maybe Go 'kra! That sound a little more bad ass. Emphasis on "little".)

SJ: This may be the best mascot ever! I want to cut him up, cover him in cornmeal, fry him, and eat greasy platefuls of okra-y goodness until I'm sick. I LOVE okra. My favorite southern food ever. In fact, I believe I've been moved to haiku:
Oh fearsome okra
with your scary unibrow
you rock very hard

JL: Okra is the most awesome southern food ever! (I prefer it so fried it's actually teetering on the edge of burnt to a crisp.) I love this mascot! He has angry eyebrows. Except curse you, Stacey! Now I'm starving.

SJ: That really is scary, though. That kid looks like he's about to make a run for it.

JL: Yeah, and check out his boxing gloves. He's like Rocky. You know, if Rocky were a vegetable instead of Sylvester Stallone.

SPOKANE SASQUATCHES (WASHINGTON)

Go Squatch! (That is fun to say.)

SJ: I actually find her kind of adorable, yet fearsome at the same time. I want to hug her and ask for a leaf from her basket. (It is a her, here, I think. Right? I mean, there's something feminine in the face. I'm thinking a guy Squatch would have longer teeth. Or something.)

JL: Hmmm, now that you mention it, I think it is a girl. Her hair is far too well-groomed to be a guy. She looks like she combed herself and possibly even applied a styling product before going out. See how those layers are artfully arranged around her face? No guy Squatch is going to mess with that. And no self-respecting guy Squatch is going to be caught dead carrying a wicker basket over his arm either. Definitely a girl. I, too, find her rather endearing. Mabye it's because of the cute way she's walking with those little girls. Or maybe I just feel a solidarity with her because that's what my legs look like if I don't shave for three days.

SJ: Can I confess that I find these dudes dressed up as Sasquatch kind of hot? I mean, I'm ashamed, but I do. I've always had a thing for hairy guys. I became obsessed with this boy I dated in college while he was sporting a super long untrimmed beard for a historically accurate version of Macbeth. True Confession, right here on the blog.

JL: Snort!! Spitting out Red Bull as picture of Stacey on date with Sasquatch wearing giant gold cross flashes across mind.

Tune in next week, when we'll probably blog about something else. And there will be pictures and commentary and...stuff!

xo
Stacey and Julie

Back to School Fashion: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

2009-08-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

According to pretty much every fashion magazine and website in the world, the hot fashion trend for the fall is 80's style. Which is both cool and frightening at the same time. Cool because the 80's are a decade of awesome. Frightening because some of the stuff we wore in the 80's was bad. So bad. Many heinous crimes against style were committed during that decade. We know. We have the photo albums to prove it. Well, at least I do. I'm a couple years older than Stacey so I'm not sure about her.

(Stacey: Oh hells yeah, I do. My elementary school years were filled with giant bangs full of Aquanet and lime green leggings. *shudder*)

Actually now that I think about it 2 years isn't that much so I'm willing to bet that somewhere in her deep dark past is a pic of her sporting a side ponytail or a scrunchie or possibly even (horror!) a BANANA CLIP. There has to be something. I don't know anybody who emerged unscathed.

(Stacey: I rocked the side ponytail. Hell, sometimes I still rock the side ponytail. Does that mean I'm fashion forward or terrifying behind? I guess it definitely means I was scathed. Big time scathed.)

Devious thought: Should I call up Stacey's mother and try to trick her into sending me a super-embarassing photo?

(Stacey: Um, you could try, devious thinker, but you'd have to wait for snail mail. My mother is not versed in the ways of scanner and email. Thank god.)

But because the 80's weren't a particularly fashion friendly decade, we, as your older and wiser counterparts, feel it is our duty to help you navigate through the treacherous waters of this potentially disaster-making trend.

First up: Acid wash denim

JL: To borrow a popular phrase from the 80's, Just say no to this look. If I have to explain why then I'm afraid you need to enroll in Remedial Fashion 101. Exceptions to this rule are if you happen to be a) a rodeo queen; b) a supermodel; or c) a time-traveler like in that Nicholas Sparks' book they just made into a movie (but only if you're time traveling back to 1984).

SJ: Actually, the acid washed denim is something I can see working on some people, as long as the acid washedness is limited to either top or bottom and not allowed to spread across the entire frame like some jean bleaching virus. What I find really terrifying about the featured photo is the shoulder pads. GOD, I hated shoulder pads. I even hated them then. I used to cut them out of my clothes and my mom would get so pissed. But even as an eight year old, I knew I didn't want line backer shoulders. I mean, call me crazy but....yeah...I wasn't crazy, I was right! Right!! Before my time right!!! (This makes up for the side ponytail action, doesn't it?)

The knotted tee shirt

JL: One of the few 80's looks that's still acceptable--even cute--today. Feel free to rock this look all you want, particularly if you have some cool tees.

[WARNING: Muffin top + this look=DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I'm serious. And no, I don't care how cute your belly button ring is, or how much your new tat is begging to see the light of day. You can only wear this if you have a relatively flat stomach.]

SJ: Yes, I like this look. I also like to knot the tee in the back. As for muffin tops, my muffin top brings all the boys to the yard so I don't know what you're talking about. I think it's the baby stretch marks decorating the muffin top that really get them keyed up :).

Converse sneakers

JL: Another Kristen Stewart pic!! I'm starting to think this 80's thing is all her fault. Personally, I think she looks totally adorable, but you have to have that kind of "rocker chic" vibe going on to pull off Converse and a dress. So if you're a rocker chic, go for it. For everybody else, Converse and jeans/shorts/capris. They're timeless. Like pearls.

Okay, so maybe not exactly like pearls. Peace signs, maybe?

SJ: Timeless like jeans themselves. And white tee shirts. And diamond stud earrings. (I also think we should blame Kristen Stewart for this trend. I believe this is all her fault. I think we should make her cut her bangs and wear them fluffy and sprayed with the 'net for a week as penance.)

"Hammer pants"

JL: OMG. These should be illegal. In every state. Even MC Hammer couldn't get away with wearing these pants now. IF YOU WEAR THESE PANTS WE DON'T KNOW YOU. You're dead to us.

SJ: *Snarf!* Oh man, these are funny. I had a pair of these. I wore them to jazz class. I thought I was really, really cool. I am so ashamed. I'm dead to myself as of right now.

The Scrunchie

JL: Is this the part where I confess that I still own, like, 100 scrunchies? But no neon ones. And I don't wear them in public. Just at night, after I wash my hair. They're handy. I don't think I'm qualified to comment on scrunchies. I'm too biased.

SJ: I never really got into the scrunchie--they never seemed to hold up the full weight of my hair because I had a LOT of hair in the 80's--but my stepdaughter enjoyed coordinating her outfits with scrunchies that I bought her at Gymboree. I thought it was cute. I'm kind of sad now that she's too old to search for the perfect daisy-patterned scrunchie to match her dress.

80's hair: It burns us!

JL: I think I went to high school with the girl on the right. I can't even make fun of these chicks because I'm too busy hyperventilating with laughter over the next picture-

JL: Is this seriously for real? And if so, how many cans of Aqua Net do you think it took to achieve that kind of height? Although they look more like White Rain kind of people to me.

SJ: Muah!! Ha! Hehehehe!! Oh my god, that's wonderful. Priceless. I think I love them, in a weird sort of "we took matching to where the sidewalk ends and insanity begins" type of way.

JL: This kind of hair is like the MC Hammer pants--DON'T DO IT. Not only will your hair suffer, you'll be a walking fire hazard. Just think if somebody lit a match too close to these people. Poof! It would make nice zombie hair, though.

SJ: Awesome zombie hair. The undead love big hair. It's a fact.

Crimping. Another 80's hair obsession

JL: This is what a crimping iron looks like. And now, for more embarassing confessions . . . I still own one. A crimping iron. It's neon blue and green.

SJ: No, Julie. Please...say it isn't so.

JL: Wait. I gets worse. I not only still own one, I use it. Regularly.

SJ: No!!!! (*notion that Julie is most perfect, elegant southern woman ever comes crashing to the ground in a ball of white-rain fueled flames*)

JL: Mostly on my daughter, but sometimes on myself too. Now you all know my shame. Although honestly, I think crimping, when used judiciously, can look really cute. For instance:

JL: See? Portia de Rossi's crimped ponytail looks cute. I'm not totally crazy. Right? Right??

SJ: Right, Julie...right, of course. (*pets Julie soothingly*--it's the only thing a friend can do in this kind of situation.)

Queen of the 80's: Madonna

JL: I remember when I got the "Like a Virgin" tape. One of my friends asked me if I knew what a "virgin" was and I answered [very condescendingly] "Duh, it's Jesus' mother." I was a very sheltered child.

SJ: Aw, that's cute. I had no idea what it was either, but I remember my dad being horrified when I started singing it on my swingset instead of the "Rainbow Bright" songs.

Queen of today: Miley

JL: You can update the Madonna 80's look by doing something like what Miley is wearing here. Although unless you study pole dancing or your school has a very lenient (i.e. nonexistent) dress code, you're probably not going to get away with the skintight leather (or is it sequined?) mini skirt.

SJ: That's more of Miley's leg than I want to see. Though I do like the wife beater action. I think one should choose one or the other, however. Show skin on top, or on bottom. Both just screams "I'm trying too hard". Cover it up a little, leave a little mystery.

JL: Finally, check out my new favorite tee shirt that I just saw online at Charlotte Russe. Which has nothing to do with 80's fashion, but happens to be in keeping with my mood of late.

SJ: Oh, I love that! I want it! This is my mood shirt of late. "Real Bear Hugs Are Often Fatal". Remember that, people. It's not all fun and games out here with the bears.

Until next time, keep it drop dead fabulous,

Julie and Stacey

Seriously??

2009-07-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

First off, apologies on not blogging in such a long while. We've been busy doing important, summer-related things. Like swimming and eating snowcones and--okay, never mind what we've been doing. The important thing is that we're back. :)

So. We were discussing what to blog about and Stacey came up with the idea to do Weird Summer Festivals/Beauty Pageants. And I was like "Yeah! Let's do that!" Because I thought it would be really fun and probably fairly easy.

Yeah--not. So not.

(SJ: Sorry, man. I have ideas and then I make you do the work. Next time I promise to do the hunting and googling. But you did great work here. I think you deserve a promotion of some kind.)

Because as it turns out, there is a LOT of freaky stuff going on out in the world, people. It was practically impossible to narrow it down to just one post.

For instance, in Prairie du Sac, Wisconsin they have . . .

The Wisconsin State Cow Chip Throw!!!

And they aren't throwing Doritos. They're chucking wedges of 100% authentic cow poop. Last year the top scoring contestant tossed his cow poop over 172 feet.

Did I mention that you can't wear gloves?

Throwing poop competitively is an, er, unusual summer activity (unless you're a monkey), but compared to this next festival it looks positively mundane--

The Fiesta of Near Death Experiences

Every year people who have almost died make a pligrimage to Las Nieves, Spain where they GO TO CHURCH IN A COFFIN. THAT'S HELD ALOFT BY MEMBERS OF THEIR FAMILY. I'm not even making this up. At some point, they each get up and tell their almost-death story and then they all go outside and have fireworks, carnival food, and general merriment.

This festival raises all sorts of questions. Like, where do these people get the coffins? Did they just happen to have a coffin lying around the house, or did they have one specially made, or what? And how do they decide what to wear? Fashion mags rarely discuss the appropriate attire for attending church in a coffin when you used to be dead except now you aren't. And the most burning question--how the hell do they get their families to agree to carry their not-dead asses around in a coffin for an entire day?? My sisters won't even let me borrow their shoes. No way are they hauling me around in a coffin, even if I WAS dead. I'd have to put my coffin on wheels and hitch it up to a donkey.

Except I don't have a donkey. Or a coffin. See? All kinds of questions . . .

Anyway, brace yourselves because this next pic is hands down one of the Top 5 Most Disturbing Things I've Ever Seen in My Life. (Also see pic at very top of this post)

In Castillo de Murcia, Spain, they have A BABY JUMPING FESTIVAL.

Let me say that one more time. A. Baby. Jumping. Festival. As in, they literally JUMP OVER BABIES.

But wait. It gets better. Not only do they jump over the babies, they do it while wearing scary, Circus clown/Elvis type costumes and wielding whips and truncheons. This is for the babies own good, as it cleanses them of evil. I don't know about you, but I think the evilness of babies is a plague that has been overlooked for too long. The way they just sit in those cute little carriers, swaddled in soft blankets, blinking big, innocent eyes at the world. You know they have to be up to something.

(SJ: Total aside, but that made me spit coffee. You are funny, Linker.)

I have some questions about this festival too. First, do they steal these babies or do parents actually consent to this? And if they consent, what kind of crack are they smoking? Who puts their helpless baby on a mattress so a scary dude in a Halloween costume can jump over it? I mean, seriously--that's the kind of childhood trauma that keeps therapists in business.

But I don't know. It's been a while since I had a baby. Stacey, what do you think? Would you let a freak dude jump over Logan to cleanse him of evil?

SJ: No way in hell. My baby is made of sunshine, not evil. Now if the dude could jump over him and his teeth would magically come in (instead of painfully breaking through the surface causing days of weeping and wailing)....well...that might be something I'd consider.

The true test of a good sense of humor is your ability to make fun of yourself, so as Arkansans we're going to go ahead and own up to a little piece of freakiness that takes place right in our own backyard.

The Miss Drumsticks Pageant!!

Yellville, Arkansas, located in the Ozark mountains, is home to the annual Turkey Trot Festival.

Which technically happens in October, not the summer, but since it's in our home state we're going to exercise our executive blogging powers and include it anyway.

Contestants in Miss Drumsticks are judged on their legs ONLY. Their faces and bodies are hidden behind a picture of a giant turkey. There's no talent portion, evening gown division, or onstage question. Just the gams. This is not to be confused with the Ms. Mosquito Legs contest, which takes place in Texas. Drumsticks legs and mosquito legs are two completely different things.

And I'm going to go ahead and say it: An Arkansas Drumstick Queen can kick a Texas Mosquito Leg Queen's butt any day of the week. In fact, maybe that should be a new festival. Turkey's vs. Mosquitoes. It needs a catchier name, though. Any ideas?

SJ: Not really, but Drumstick Queen sounds much cooler. Mosquito legs are so skinny and shapeless. And they've got six of them. Maybe this festival in Texas is near some sort of nuclear facility?

Until next time!

Stacey and Julie

Sunburns: The fastest way to old age and general hideousness.

2009-05-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

As summer is now upon us, ZIT would like to take this opportunity to talk about a very important subject: Hugh Jackman running naked across a field in the new Wolverine--er, I mean sunscreen. May is skin cancer awareness month, so we cruised around the Skin Cancer Foundation website and learned lots of scary facts. For example, did you know--

1) 1 in 5 Americans will develop skin cancer over the course of their life.

2) A person dies of melanoma every 62 minutes.

3) The International Agency for Research on Cancer recently unequivocally linked sunbed tanning among young people to melanoma. As in, people who start going to the tanning beds in their teens/early twenties have a 75 percent higher chance of developing melanoma. (Melanoma is an awful, awful type of skin cancer that can cause death if it isn't caught early.)

4) Up to 90 percent of the visible signs of aging are caused by sun exposure.

5) Less than half of all teenagers wear sunscreen and more and more teens (especially girls) are using tanning beds.

We could go on, (and on and on and on) but let's get real--those kinds of lists generally just make people's eyes glaze over. So we will demonstrate with pictures!

JL: No wonder teens think tanning is cool when people like Kim Kardashian (aka "Raccoon girl") are posting this sort of pic.

SJ: But does anyone really think this girl is cool? Who is she really? I'm still confused. She has a reality show for some reason, right? But...why? Because she's rich? Color me unimpressed, Raccoon girl.

JL: What they don't realize is that THIS is what KK will look like in a few years. (If this pic doesn't make you go out and buy a gallon jug of sunscreen then there's no help for you. At all.)

SJ: Is that even real?! You are frackin' kiddin' me! It's CGI. I can't believe that's real. Gotta be good CGI.

JL: This chick is proof that the whole "everybody looks better with a tan" theory is uh, not true. So not true. I don't know whether to laugh or be scared.

SJ: She almost looks like she's wearing black face. Surely not... Though those boots do show a decided lack of taste.

JL: Is it just me, or does it look like this guy was wearing . . . Mary Janes? (Don't forget to slather up your feet!)

SJ: Lol. He does. (And yes. Feet burns HURT. Ouch. Who knew a baby toe could suffer so?)

JL: For the record, sunburns aren't funny, but . . . well, hahahahahahahahahaha

SJ: Do you think he consented to that? Or slept through it?

JL: This Australian guy actually had to have SURGERY for his sunburn. Seriously? THIS GUY couldn't find one, single girl in all of Australia willing to rub sunblock on his shoulders? I don't know what to say about that.

SJ: That's harsh. Like the sun is harsh. So remember, stay out of the sun or protect yourself from it's evil (yet awesome) rays.

xo
Julie and Stacey

It's Be Kind to Animals Week

2009-05-04T10:47:00.000-07:00

In honor of Be Kind to Animals Week, some animals in tiaras:

SJ: I would usually consider this animal cruelty, but the cats seem to dig the tiara action.

JL: I don't even want to know where you found these pictures. Does the cat on the left's tiara resemble a jester hat, or is it just me? This is definitely not animal cruelty. Cats were born to wear tiaras. It's the Egyptians' fault. They had that whole worshiping-them-as-gods thing going on and the feline species never got over it.

SJ: This guy too. Not even bulldogs can fight the power of the sparkling headpiece.

JL: A sparkling, FUZZY headpiece. A cat would never stand for this.

SJ: I swear, this pig is giving the camera a come-hither look. The magic of the tiara strikes again.

JL: "Siren pigs--how swine flu was first transmitted to humans."

SJ: Snarf!!! Lol!!

And let's not forget about those zombie animals!!

SJ: This really really freaks me out. A lot. Like....a whole lot.

JL: Do you have to be nice to animals that look like they might kill you?

SJ: I'm not sure that cat is after brains, but...yeah...I could just have a filthy mind.

JL: Clearly the orange cat is merely removing a piece of fuzz from the black and white cat's fur, that's all. I don't know what you're talking about.

SJ: More snarf!!

SJ: God! Scary zombie sheep. I'm going to have nightmares. I should have put the animals in tiaras last.

JL: I don't think a tiara would help in this case. I'm already having nightmares and I'm awake. What do you think he's whispering in that guy's ear . . .

SJ: "I'm going to shave your head and make a scarf and wear it while I eat your brains!!!" Or something like that...

Until next time!

Stacey and Julie

This Little Piggy Went to Prada

2009-04-15T03:55:00.000-07:00

I wish I could take credit for the post title, but alas--that bit of cleverness is actually the name of a book by Amy Allen and Eun-kyung Kang. They've taken old-fashioned nursery rhymes and revamped them into a hilarious book with cool illustrations.

Which has nothing to do with anything except that a) I have to go to a baby shower on Thursday so I have cute baby gifts on the brain and b) it kind of, sort of, (not really) ties in with a subject Stacey and I have been talking about recently--"Baby Style."

Baby Style is simply the way you dress your baby/toddler/kid. Back in the olden days, there was no such thing. Cavemen kids wore animal skins; pioneer children dressed in burlap; 1970s and 80's kids were held hostage by maniacal cartoon animals known as Garanimals. This was not parental negligence, just a lack of options.

*Stacey breaking in here to say I have no idea what Garanimals are. I am so young and nubile and do not remember the 70's or early 80's *bats young and nubile eyelashes*

Now that's all changed. Today's babies/toddlers have as many fashion choices as adults. More, if you count accessories like pacifiers,

burp cloths (zebra stripe or cammo pattern?) disposable diapers (Elmo print or Mickey Mouse?), etc.

Of course, the poor hapless babies don't actually get to decide these things since they generally lack both credit cards and the ability to operate a motor vehicle. It's the Mommies (and sometimes Daddies), who buy this stuff. So "Baby Style" is really "Mommy Style." And that's where things can get tricky. Because Mom's don't necessarily dress their kids the way you would expect. But then again, sometimes they do. It's a very inexact science.

And now for our sparkling commentary . . .

Stacey: This is kind of cute, but a little rastah soccer bum.

Julie: It's the cap. The rest of it's cute, though. Of course, Gwen Stefani could dress her kids in plastic bags sewn together with hair and it would probably somehow look cool.

Julie: I'm pretty sure this qualifies as child abuse in some parts of the world.

Stacey: I think most Arkansan men would consider that outfit grounds to pull out a gun and shoot something.

Stacey: This might make me pull out a gun and shoot something. There's no need to go Bubba at such a tender age.

Julie: Hey! That's my nephew! Lucky for you my family doesn't love me--er, I mean, are too busy to read my blogs. Because I'm pretty sure he could kick your *&$, even though he's two. :)

Stacey: Oops...heh heh....um...prank call!!!

Stacey: My eyeeeesss! The yellow, it blinds us!!!

Julie: Ha, ha, ha--this is cracking me up. I chose this pic because it reminds me of how I used to dress A when she was that age. Especially the bow. LOVE bows. The bigger, the better. I still make her wear them. (A being my 10 yr old daughter who I can't post photos of due to hyper-paranoia and too many episodes of Forensic Files/ColdCase Files/American Justice)

Stacey: I'm never doing commentary first. Ever. Again. I have footinmouthitis.

Stacey: If you want to get that prison-fabulous thing going early.

Julie: Does it come with a miniature guitar? Because that would be cool.

Stacey: Omg. Really. Skull and crossbones for baby? Isn't this a little goth-tastic? (Okay, so I'm lying. I LOVE this and would totally dress my baby in it if he were a girl. Look at the preshush little bow on her skull head!!)

Julie: I love this too! Of course, I would have to pair it with a matching skull hair bow.

Stacey: LOL!

Stacey: And I like this too. Monkey from Wizard of Oz! Brilliant....Um...and somewhere along the way I think I got distracted from the point. But then, I am the woman who spent Easter dressing her baby up as a chicken:

Stacey: I had the chicken outfit and it was too rainy to hunt eggs outside and...yeah...I think I may have a problem...

Julie: OMG, you didn't.

Except you totally did. Although he does look adorable . . . do we even want to know why you just happened to have a chicken outfit laying around your house? LOVE the flying monkey.

Until next time!

Stacey and Julie

Fashion Horrors: The Mankini

2009-04-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The following blog entry is not suitable for anyone and should not be viewed if you value your eyesite and whatever you ate for your last meal.

Stacey: Borat may or may not have started this fashion trend. Regardless, it has to stop. Before anymore innocent spandex is victimized or the eyes and souls of unsuspecting young women scarred forever.

Julie: I agree 100%. There is evil in our midst, people. And its name is [cue dramatic music] MANKINI.

Stacey: Cute women do NOT make this cool

Julie: She's touching him, she's touching him!! Her hand is right on his chest. I just threw up

a little in my mouth.

Stacey: Mankini-ing for a cause does not make this cool. (This guy did it for the polar bear plunge in New Zealand, in order to raise money for the special olympics. It's still not cool! No one-special or otherwise-wants to be linked to this mankini-strosity.)

Julie: Okay. Well, this answers my question about whether it looks better on guys with less body hair. Absolutely freaking not. I do appreciate his effort with the matching headband, though.

Stacey: Accessories are important.

Stacey: It is not appropriate for rugby games and is not a good way to show off your tattoos.

Julie: I'm scared if I comment, this guy will hunt me down and kill me.

Stacey: It doesn't add that certain something to your marathon wear.

Julie: Oh, man. I feel sorry for whoever had to run behind HIM.

Stacey: The beer is blushing, but there is nowhere to hide its shame. There is nowhere to hide from the mankini!! (Camping? Really? This guy thought Mankini was good camping attire?)

Julie: I like that he accesorized his mankini with what appears to be my grandmother's gold choker necklace. Although I can't get a very close look on this monitor . . . he could have also stolen it from an Egyptian mummy. Or a pimp.

Camping attire--perhaps he thought this would be a good way to keep wild animals away from his campsite?

Stacey: If I were a wild animal I would be scared.

Stacey: This may be the only suitable way to model the kini of manliness, but my eyes are still bleeding a little bit. How about you Julie?

Julie: Yeah . . . even with the clothing I still feel like I just lost a little piece of my soul I'll never get back.

Julie: So far this is the only instance of mankini that doesn't make me want to throw acid in my eyes. It's pretty hilarious, actually. Although technically I guess it's Jenny McCarthy's bikini , not a "real" mankini.

DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home unless you are--well,Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey is the ONLY person who can get away with this.

Stacey: Amen. (Though my hubs looks pretty cute in my underwear...just kidding! Heh!)

Until next time!

Julie and Stacey

Interview with author Kate Perry!

2009-03-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

ZIT is excited to welcome Kate Perry for our very first author interview! In addition to being a kick-butt author, Kate is a 7th degree black belt in Kung Fu, which means she kicks butt literally too. She's also a crack mechanic who, when your car tire blows out on the interstate leaving Dallas, jumps out and immediately starts wielding a tire iron and doing complicated stuff with tools instead of calling your husband and crying pitifully until he figures out how to get somebody to help you, even though he's five hours away (my plan). Additionally, Kate exudes a strange mix of pheremones that causes random men to ask her out (I'm totally not making this up) roughly ten times a day. Maybe more.

But enough of Kate's personal life--we're here to talk about her books! Namely, Marked by Passion, the first book in her awesome Guardians of Destiny series. Check out the (yummy)cover and blurb below.

Rules for the (Very) Reluctant Guardian of the Scroll

One: Don't lose the artifact you've inherited from your ancestors—no matter how much it starts messing up your life.

Two: Do learn how to control its powers. (And, yes, that means putting up with uber-complicated Guardian lessons from your father's meddling ghost.)

Three: Don't trust anyone. Especially Rhys, the mysterious bad boy who's always one step ahead of you... and irresistible as sin.

Four: Do anything to keep the scroll from landing in the wrong hands—and destroying the world. Even if that brings on a heartbreaking betrayal, an evil you never saw coming, and a choice you may not live to regret.

And now we ask Kate the hard-hitting questions (watch out Barbara Walters)

ZIT: Have you always wanted to be a writer?
KP: No, I always wanted to be a gypsy. I was going to have my own cute little purple and red wagon with a bull named Philippe pulling it. But when I realized there'd be no plumbing, I thought I might prefer to be an ambassador to a foreign country. Get paid to schmooze and party in fancy clothes? Heck yeah. But now I get paid to hang out in cafés in my pajamas, which is almost just as cool.

ZIT: Is it true that you can kill a man with your pinkie finger?
KP: Yeah, but it's much more satisfying to use a skyscraper heel.

ZIT:Are you familiar with the recent zombie vs. unicorn debate? If so, who do you side with--zombies or unicorns?
KP: I try to keep up on current events, so, yeah, I've been tracking the debate. However, personally, I find it difficult to take sides. Can't we all just get along?

But it seems to me that zombies have gotten a bad rep. Just because they have rotting teeth and poor hygiene doesn't make them second class citizens.

ZIT: How many random men have asked you out in the past week?
KP:Was I supposed to keep track?

ZIT:Cupcake or pie?
KP:Both. Please. Unless it's a cream pie. Gag. Fruit pies are the only way to go.

ZIT:All-time best James Bond?
KP:Sean Connery. Duh. Though Daniel Craig is a very close second.

ZIT:Are you and "I-kissed-a-girl" Katy Perry really twins who were separated at birth?
KP:I've wondered if we're sisters too. Did you know we even have the same bra size? I'm not joking. I'm tempted to ask my mom if there was a mix up at the hospital or if I'm adopted. Which would make a lot of sense, actually, considering how different I am from my "family."

Click here to learn more about Kate and here to read an exercept of Marked!

See you next week! xo

Julie and Stacey

Working the ZIT dress

2009-02-24T16:34:00.001-08:00

As promised, this week we're sharing tips on how to look fabulous in your very own ZIT dress!! It's so easy! By following just two simple rules, you can wear your undead fashion for anything from running out to the grocery store to elegant black tie affairs.

Rule Number One: When wearing a ZIT dress it is imperative that you channel your inner zombie.

And what does channeling your inner zombie entail, you ask?Consider this-- When zombies claw their way out of their cozy coffins and stagger around terrorizing innocent townspeople, do they seem at all self-conscious about little things like their decaying flesh, or worm-infested eyes, or putrid aroma?

No way! They OWN their rotting corpses. They're not secretly worrying about whether their disintegrating funeral shroud makes their butt look big while they're sucking somebody's brains out. They're in the moment. And that's what you have to do when wearing a ZIT dress--own it! Don't worry about what the innocent townspeople are saying behind your back.

Rule Number Two: Pretend you are a beauty queen.

Yes, I'm serious.

No, I don't mean run out and slather heorrhoid cream under your eyes and duct tape your boobs together (although if either of those two things sound appealing to you, go for it). I'm talking about projecting a beauty queen's attitude. It's similar to channeling your inner zombie except with less blood and guts and more Aqua Net. Because channeling your inner zombie requires a certain amount of "screw off" attitude, which can be off-putting if not tempered by a little dose of happy-happy sweetness.

That's where your secret beauty queen comes in. Don't try to pretend you don't have one. You do. I promise. So when wearing your ZIT dress, take it out, throw your shoulders back, smile big, and flounce around like Miss America. (A sparkly tiara helps too)Otherwise, you're likely to come off as angry-creepy-goth girl, and that's no fun. Unless, of course, you want to be angry-creepy-goth girl, but that's an entirely different blog subject.

Perfect Example: Miley Cyrus (aka "the bane of my existence because I have a 10 year old daughter") Miley demonstrates a fabulous blend of inner zombie and inner beauty queen in this frothy violet concoction.

So, don't wait for Halloween, people! Break out those hacked up gowns now! Hmmn, Stacey, that gives me an idea . . . perhaps we should arrange a ZIT photo contest of some sort??

Oscar Fashion: Zombies in Tiaras Redux

2009-02-23T05:59:00.000-08:00

In which Julie and Stacey weigh in on the Oscar night fashion:

SJ: From the "they might be zombies" files...

JL: And can you believe that she dates Ralph Fiennes? Clearly he prefers his women to have that "just risen from the dead" look.

SJ: Or maybe he's pigment blind. Like color blind but...pigmenty...

SJ: They might be zombies, Part Deux! Attack of the Beige!

JL: Anyone who dates Marilyn Manson qualifies as a zombie, no matter what they're wearing.

SJ: Look at you! So up on the gossip. I don't even know who I'm dating half the time. (Wait! I'm married. Heh.)

SJ: Beautiful dress, beautiful girl, totally tiara-worthy, but she still creeps me out a little. I get that "I'd like to suck your blood" vibe. Maybe it's all the red...

JL: I agree. Definitely a blood sucking vibe. It's her eyes.

SJ: Poor thing, she was clearly attacked by zombies pre-red carpet. It seems the damage was mostly to her hair, however, and her egglant chiffon number emerged relatively unscathed.

JL: Do you think it was zombies? I was thinking birds.

SJ: You could be right. Looking for a place to nest, but were overwhelmed by toxic Aquanet fumes?

SJ: Jessica Biel attempts to conceal a flesh-eating midget beneath the poof on her dress...or maybe she's just sneaking in some snacks for later. Those award shows can go on forever, I hear.

JL: Sigh. Jessica B. is a perpetual disappointment on the red carpet. Such wasted potential.

SJ: Yep. She coulda been a contender.

SJ: Corpse Flower: The Dress. It blooms amogst the decay.

JL: Mary Hart made the top ten at Miss America in 1970 . . . so I assume once upon a time she knew how to dress.

SJ: Or the seventies were creepy and corpse-flowerish.

SJ: Gothic Princess run Amok avec le dead bird en zee chest. (That's how you learn to speak French when you're raised in Arkansas. For ze real, we have some of the most poorly funded public schools in la nation.)

JL: Do you think she plucked those feathers herself? Or had her evil minions do it?

SJ: Totally minions. I want some minions!

SJ: And I think we have a winner! I can't imagine a more perfect Zombies in Tiaras dress. It's got the floofy, the sparkles, the black netting hacked at strange angles in order to lend it a vaguely menacing air. Love it. I think we should buy knock-offs Jules and wear them...somewhere. I don't really go many swank-worthy places? I mean...maybe Wal-Mart. Occasionally the hubs and I drag the kids to the sushi bar down the street. How about you?

JL: Same here. The mall is about as swanky as I get. BUT luckily, you don't need a special occasion to wear a Zombie in Tiara worthy dress! It's all about the attitude!

More about how to work the Zombie In Tiara dress next week!

Julie and Stacey